Just one, though, and it's not Coke.
World of Warcraft. (now referred to as WoW for the rest of the post)
I first played in December 2006. My first character was a dwarf hunter, but the first one I really got invested in was my human paladin, Iswren. In the setting, paladins, as well as priests, serve the Light, and are empowered by it. There is one group of non-player characters called the Scarlet Crusade, who bend this power to serve them in less moral pursuits such as their Inquisition, which means the frequent torturing of sentient undead and even living things, but they are unique in their misuse of the Light. Otherwise, paladins are these paragon warrior-servants. I like them.
Paladins can specialize in three areas--
Protection, which is sword, shield, and pounds of magic plate armor, the emphasis being the attention-grabber of Big Scaries, and surviving.
Retribution, which is two-handed weapon specialization and lots of smiting.
Holy, which is just healing.
Iswren was specialized in the Holy talent-tree. Her concept became combat medic, and I enjoyed playing it.
In WoW, the action takes place on a world called Azeroth, and there are scads of sentient races. The original games in the series pitted humans versus orcs, and it all branched out from those conflicts. Those two peoples represented the main chunks of two factions that exist "today"- the Alliance and the Horde. The Alliance consists of the humans, dwarves, night elves (they're tall and purple), gnomes, and Draenei ("magic aliens" is a bad term, but is the most convenient). The Horde is a coalition of the "leftovers"- orcs, trolls, Forsaken (sentient undead), Tauren (cow people), and blood elves (a few inches short of human-sized, and largely human-colored). Despite the world- and cosmic-level threats to existence, the two factions still find plenty of time to hate and kill each other.
The ongoing, less spectacular conflicts are represented as Battlegrounds in WoW-- a player versus player event that goes on for a set amount of time, where whoever kills the other side and completes the objectives wins.
At first, I hated Battlegrounds-- I always died! But then I learned that there were people who leveled up to the maximum of their brackets (usually 10 levels in one bracket, 11-20, 21-30, so on) and bought or worked insanely hard for "Best in Slot" items, and those things made these characters incredibly powerful. A friend and I did this together, and we were awesome. She would kill things and I would heal her, and it was insane. We once fought two to eight-- and won. In that particular event, those eight accounted for more than half the team! We enjoyed slight fame, even, in our bracket.
But Iswren's story is why I did it. I still don't like Battlegrounds, but the goal was to attain a particular title. It's called "Justicar," and it's awarded to people who have earned enough resources in particular Battlegrounds. It's very time consuming to achieve, and I haven't yet, but I'm closer than most. Iswren's story was going to be her concern and sacrifice for the good of the more common citizenry, those who weren't in the throngs of heroes Saving the World each time a new villain came along. Most other paladins have their sights set on more fantastic enemies than the Horde, but Iswren constantly reminds people that those other things aren't the only threat to daily life in the Alliance. She'd spend her life as a soldier (or as much of one as a combat medic can be), devoid of career ambitions, yet constantly promoted just because the higher ups couldn't ignore the lives she saved, the numbers of the army she sustained. Eventually, when "Justicar" would be conferred to her, they'd tell her no Justicar had been a mere, enlisted soldier, and that even if she didn't accept the title, she'd have to take a commission to continue serving in the army. Her whole drive is based on protecting and serving, so she'll accept a post as an officer, becoming a Knight (that's the lowest commissioned rank in the Alliance) and a Justicar, and it'll be awesome.
Minrah is my main character. I love playing him, he's fun. His story is full, since he's older, but he's really done it all. He's a mage, an engineer (he built his own Turbo Charged Flying Machine-- and yes, that is an actual item in the game), a tailor (don't tell anyone!), a former admiral for a bunch of pirates, a goblinslayer (I did the math, and I killed at least fifteen hundred goblins to get the "Bloodsail Admiral" title), an historian, a boozer, and possibly a lecher, I haven't decided. He was the one I would take to all the new places and dungeons, got all the cool stuff, and the one I played the most.
I miss these characters. But slowly, I've been playing less and less. Today was the first day I logged on in two weeks, but it's not on my original account. I got a new one when I bought a character from a friend (it has to have their last name on it to swap characters), and I got six months of time for it. I ran out of time on the other in late August, and wasn't going to start it up until I saw how hectic (or not) my classes were. They're not very, but that's not the main problem anymore.
The problem is that playing WoW alone sucks. It sucks a lot. It's sooooo boring when you have no one to talk to. Usually, I play when I know my friends are on. But that has changed. They're playing more now on another server, and not just that, but on the opposite faction. They offer that as a service-- for $25, you can move your character and change their faction. And there is an unusual number of people in my group doing that. I not only don't want to PAY for that, but I don't want to change my characters! They're human, they're not orcs or blood elves! Changing them in that very slight way (when you think that it's just an avatar that is swapped, since you can keep everything else) is still just enough for me to feel that I've abandoned Iswren and Minrah entirely, that all the work I did was gone, or for something else. So I want to play my characters, but I don't want to play alone. I want to play my characters, but I may find I don't have time. I want to play my characters, but I never have much cash anymore. I will probably not be renewing anything soon.
I found an old check in a birthday card the other day, for $35. I smacked my forehead and went to call Grandma to ask if I should destroy it or not. She said to bring it over and let her do it, so I said okay and did just that. I got over there, gave the check to her, and she just said "2007!"
Apparently I had a $35 check from my 20th birthday. She went and replaced it, and now I feel like a fool. If I had taken a second to read the year, I wouldn't have even mentioned it. I feel like a dick now, as if I came off as expectant or demanding, and I really don't mean to. She didn't owe me that money, but she gave it anyway. I've talked to Grandma about this sort of thing before, about gifts I felt I "didn't deserve" or thought were too generous or something, and I didn't protest as much this time just because I knew she was going to give it to me whether or not I wanted the check. So I took it, bought some food, and will probably use more of it on gas, since I have to get to Ypsi and back on Friday.
Adam said he needed my face, so Friday, I'm going out, he's gonna sketch my face, and we're gonna talk about whatever art is, and how old school art-elitism is dumb. It's for homework, you see, so it's okay.
It needs to cool off already, because I need to sleep.
Sean
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Bwah
I'd sort of forgotten about this. I've been seeing so much of the couple of people who read it that I didn't need this for a while. But there are some things I'd like to write, just because it's easier than hoping different things will come up in conversation (the way I used to do it makes for awkward conversations, in my opinion).
It's been a long time since I'd seen many people who showed up Wednesday, and not just family members. My friend at St. Andrews, Click Thomas, came up and said hello, gave his sympathies and all that. It was like he was never sick. Last time I saw him, he could barely get through a service, due to his condition (which I've forgotten the name of, but it makes soft tissue hard, and it has made it so he can't eat very much food, among other things I'm sure). I miss Click. He and his wife Pat, who is basically the kitchen-lady of that church, were the first people to really reach out to me in big ways. I had meant to go Sunday, but the past several nights, I've slept quite poorly. Tonight's not looking any better, due to humidity.
I dunno if you got that message I sent you, dad, but I remember (now) exactly when that picture was taken. Heather pulled out a camera, and it had to turn on or something. I had no idea WHEN in those few moments the picture had been taken, but I think my brother and I were mistaken in assuming when it was done. Alaina was running around Heather's legs, peeking around at us. I remember that. Was not an angry face.
Visited the psychiatrist today, told him about some headaches and twitching I've been having, but, considering stressful circumstances, we're just going to "watch closely" and see if anything's different next month before cutting back on meds.
Tonight I found a birthday check I never cashed, and will have to alert Grandma to this. She lent me another book (God help me), but I've already finished it. It was pretty interesting, was told from the point of view of an autistic kid. It looks longer than it is, the type is a little large, and it's double spaced, so I breezed through it all today. I was gifted (rather than lent, which I originally thought) a copy of the Apocrypha, which I'm interested in, but am going to leave it a little further down the list of "MUST READ NOW". Near the bottom is my Logic book, because I know just by having the class that I'll get through all of it in a matter of time. Here's the list;
1) 13 Thinkers+, A Sampler of Great Philosophers by Gerald F. Kreyche
2) The Art and Science of Fencing by Nick Evangelista
3) Moral Politics: How Liberals and Conservatives Think by George Lakoff
4) Simplicity, The Freedom of Letting Go by Richard Rohr
5) Becoming a Critical Thinker: A User Friendly Manual, 5th ed, by Sherry Diestler
6) The Apocrypha by who the hell knows
I've gotten at least half way through the first three, which are interesting, relatively quick reads. Fencing is the easiest to get through, which is why it's so far up. I'm hoping to be done with SOMETHING soon, I have homework coming up >_<.
For my position paper, I figure I'll just go with the armed martial arts topic I've been dwelling on. I'm going to take the position that we don't need them, because we really DON'T, but... I love them! Ugh. I can't argue that we DO need things like fencing and kendo, because we don't. We flat out do not -need- these things, for a number of reasons I need to stretch into three thousand words. I am not looking forward to it. He may not even approve my topic, in which case I'm fucked, because I can't think of any other thing I could possibly write about and argue for or against. Most "mundane" topics will be even less likely to be approved, as they've probably already been done by someone in a previous class, or taken by someone in THIS one. And they're boring anyway. Everyone has opinions on "big issues," and most of them are boring, for boring reasons, blah blah blah.
In writing that, I had a flash of inspiration. My friend Adam is an artist, and wants to get into the Master's program at Eastern, but he's facing a major stumbling block-- he does a lot of illustrative, fantasy stuff. A lot of his professors are telling him to strip away the fantastic elements, so his paintings will be "better," or more acceptable to them, but they end up being figure drawings with maybe a simple background. The "why" of it all could make a fascinating paper! I just need to figure out how to turn it into an argument, and what position I'd take (probably Adam's). The fun part is that we're allowed to use and even conduct interviews as research. I'll have to call out to Ypsi tomorrow.
I thought Fall started today, where's my beautiful Fall weather?
Logic is moving along, but my other classes are kind of crawling. Japanese needs to start teaching me things I don't know, and PoliSci... I don't where it's going, we only ever stir up some heated discussion about current events, which was fun once, but is really stale now. Our first quiz is Wednesday, and we have to go get our own test sheets, something new to me, but I'm told is an old practice (blue books, essentially). PoliSci would be more fun if the people in our class weren't dumb.
I was talking to Grandma about psychology stuff today, and I totally forgot how much I wanted to do more of it. I don't even know where to begin next semester. The problem is that it seems like I would do better to take one class before another, but it's not required or even suggested like that. In theory, I could just dive into Experimental Psychology. Abnormal Psych might help, though. So I don't know what I'll do yet.
Sean
It's been a long time since I'd seen many people who showed up Wednesday, and not just family members. My friend at St. Andrews, Click Thomas, came up and said hello, gave his sympathies and all that. It was like he was never sick. Last time I saw him, he could barely get through a service, due to his condition (which I've forgotten the name of, but it makes soft tissue hard, and it has made it so he can't eat very much food, among other things I'm sure). I miss Click. He and his wife Pat, who is basically the kitchen-lady of that church, were the first people to really reach out to me in big ways. I had meant to go Sunday, but the past several nights, I've slept quite poorly. Tonight's not looking any better, due to humidity.
I dunno if you got that message I sent you, dad, but I remember (now) exactly when that picture was taken. Heather pulled out a camera, and it had to turn on or something. I had no idea WHEN in those few moments the picture had been taken, but I think my brother and I were mistaken in assuming when it was done. Alaina was running around Heather's legs, peeking around at us. I remember that. Was not an angry face.
Visited the psychiatrist today, told him about some headaches and twitching I've been having, but, considering stressful circumstances, we're just going to "watch closely" and see if anything's different next month before cutting back on meds.
Tonight I found a birthday check I never cashed, and will have to alert Grandma to this. She lent me another book (God help me), but I've already finished it. It was pretty interesting, was told from the point of view of an autistic kid. It looks longer than it is, the type is a little large, and it's double spaced, so I breezed through it all today. I was gifted (rather than lent, which I originally thought) a copy of the Apocrypha, which I'm interested in, but am going to leave it a little further down the list of "MUST READ NOW". Near the bottom is my Logic book, because I know just by having the class that I'll get through all of it in a matter of time. Here's the list;
1) 13 Thinkers+, A Sampler of Great Philosophers by Gerald F. Kreyche
2) The Art and Science of Fencing by Nick Evangelista
3) Moral Politics: How Liberals and Conservatives Think by George Lakoff
4) Simplicity, The Freedom of Letting Go by Richard Rohr
5) Becoming a Critical Thinker: A User Friendly Manual, 5th ed, by Sherry Diestler
6) The Apocrypha by who the hell knows
I've gotten at least half way through the first three, which are interesting, relatively quick reads. Fencing is the easiest to get through, which is why it's so far up. I'm hoping to be done with SOMETHING soon, I have homework coming up >_<.
For my position paper, I figure I'll just go with the armed martial arts topic I've been dwelling on. I'm going to take the position that we don't need them, because we really DON'T, but... I love them! Ugh. I can't argue that we DO need things like fencing and kendo, because we don't. We flat out do not -need- these things, for a number of reasons I need to stretch into three thousand words. I am not looking forward to it. He may not even approve my topic, in which case I'm fucked, because I can't think of any other thing I could possibly write about and argue for or against. Most "mundane" topics will be even less likely to be approved, as they've probably already been done by someone in a previous class, or taken by someone in THIS one. And they're boring anyway. Everyone has opinions on "big issues," and most of them are boring, for boring reasons, blah blah blah.
In writing that, I had a flash of inspiration. My friend Adam is an artist, and wants to get into the Master's program at Eastern, but he's facing a major stumbling block-- he does a lot of illustrative, fantasy stuff. A lot of his professors are telling him to strip away the fantastic elements, so his paintings will be "better," or more acceptable to them, but they end up being figure drawings with maybe a simple background. The "why" of it all could make a fascinating paper! I just need to figure out how to turn it into an argument, and what position I'd take (probably Adam's). The fun part is that we're allowed to use and even conduct interviews as research. I'll have to call out to Ypsi tomorrow.
I thought Fall started today, where's my beautiful Fall weather?
Logic is moving along, but my other classes are kind of crawling. Japanese needs to start teaching me things I don't know, and PoliSci... I don't where it's going, we only ever stir up some heated discussion about current events, which was fun once, but is really stale now. Our first quiz is Wednesday, and we have to go get our own test sheets, something new to me, but I'm told is an old practice (blue books, essentially). PoliSci would be more fun if the people in our class weren't dumb.
I was talking to Grandma about psychology stuff today, and I totally forgot how much I wanted to do more of it. I don't even know where to begin next semester. The problem is that it seems like I would do better to take one class before another, but it's not required or even suggested like that. In theory, I could just dive into Experimental Psychology. Abnormal Psych might help, though. So I don't know what I'll do yet.
Sean
Friday, September 11, 2009
alt shift¿
I didn't want to write about HWH, or Wednesday at all, because I saw my blog that day, and felt selfishness pouring out of the screen, but I dunno, maybe it's selfish (or a form of denial) not to. I didn't know him as well as I wanted to, though I'm glad that I did at all, and for as long as I had. Grandma told me once, the first time I had shown them the "warrior" shirts, that he really appreciated the word "grandfather" on it, instead of grandpa, and since this week, I don't refer to him as grandpa anymore (it's HWH in text, "my Grandfather" in speech). I had hoped that I wouldn't have cried the way I did while he could see me, because I didn't want to make it harder for him, emotionally, and I feel like I may have failed him in that regard (I am not asking/fishing for and do not want consolation on this point, it's just something I had to say sometime, somewhere). I'm glad Kenny and I were both there, I didn't want to be the only grandchild. I was surprised HWH managed to pull a face when he first noticed my brother there. I feel it speaks to who he was, that even though we had to let him go right about then, he lightened up in spite of it. I wish I'd had something to say, some poignant phrase to give, during any of the visits, not just the last. I just stood. What bothers me most is that I'm still thinking about myself.
I've finally been to each of my classes. In picking which ones I thought would be most interesting, I got the order totally wrong. American Government was awesome, and Japanese is totally frustrating. Logic is, wait for it-- in the middle. Our "exercises" for Logic were kinda lame, but it's still a class I look forward to. We (it was a group exercise) had to pick out the conclusions and premises out of some arguments, but I had forgotten (I feel it should have been more emphasized when we started it) to use "uniform language," which is just restating parts of the argument. We don't interpret or describe the points, we JUST find and restate it. So after everyone got the first one "wrong", we wised up and annihilated the others, with the exception of one, where the sentences were already in order, in that they contained the conclusion and the premises in respective order in one sentence. I said it looked like that, but because it was unprecedented in our five arguments, we did it like the others, and got the answers backwards. It'll be a tricky class.
Government was awesome, have I mentioned that? The people sound sort of stupid, but the teacher is exceptionally sharp, and can rein the class in quite expertly. The conversations were totally civil, and had glimpses of thought. Still, our ONE outspoken conservative is an idiot, and that's kind of disappointing. I want to meet more conservatives who don't use the words "Obama," "the government," and "socialism," as some catch-all phrases that are synonymous with what's wrong with the world, because I have yet to hear the WHY in all of the ranting. This woman's issue was that "the government" is just out to get our money, based on all the underage smoking tickets she paid to cover her teenage sons. We should all be able to smoke wherever we want, and at whatever AGE we want! Oh, and seat belts. As adults, we shouldn't have to wear seat belts, it's just "the government" taking away "our freedom" to be fucking retarded. Smarter conservatives, please! To credit my professor further, he asked "What about MY freedom to NOT smoke?" which was left unanswered, due to this woman's listing of where she could not smoke.
I've griped about Japanese before, and the problems aren't different, but there are new positives. Pretty ladies! Pretty ladies who comment on how they like my D&D bag (the Bag of Holding) because -they- used to play D&D! I was unsure of what to do for a while, but luckily, because there was teaching going on, I had a buffer. On our break, I did what I could to turn her passing compliment into a conversation, and I succeeded, because we are now acquaintances. Go me! The girl in front of me turned around and gave an unsolicited "Hi" too, so maybe I'll make more acquaintances Tuesday. I must latch on to these normalish pretty ladies before we get a group assignment! I will not work peacefully with the weeaboos! THERE WILL BE BLOOD O_O.
Actually, there IS one problem with Japanese I didn't address. The teacher said that Japanese is not a sing-songy language (that's right), but then proceeded to teach the pronunciations in a sing-songy manner (that's wrong). How did I notice? With my keen, detective-level senses, of course. Oh, and MOST OF THE CLASS WAS DOING IT THAT WAY TOO, HOW COULD I IGNORE IT?! Ugh. It sounds sorta like "dah Dah DAH dah Dah". Bold is accented. All I could do was be as monotone as Seanly possible, and be a little louder. I didn't want to draw too much attention, after all.
I gotta read 54 pages for Government by Monday, so recreational stuff is set aside for now, although I'm using the hour and a half between Japanese and Logic to read in the library, so I got through the rest of Plato, Aristotle, and might still be in the middle of St Augustine. There's still five other books I need to get through, and not just "I intend to read," but, "I need to read IMMEDIATELY."
Sean
I've finally been to each of my classes. In picking which ones I thought would be most interesting, I got the order totally wrong. American Government was awesome, and Japanese is totally frustrating. Logic is, wait for it-- in the middle. Our "exercises" for Logic were kinda lame, but it's still a class I look forward to. We (it was a group exercise) had to pick out the conclusions and premises out of some arguments, but I had forgotten (I feel it should have been more emphasized when we started it) to use "uniform language," which is just restating parts of the argument. We don't interpret or describe the points, we JUST find and restate it. So after everyone got the first one "wrong", we wised up and annihilated the others, with the exception of one, where the sentences were already in order, in that they contained the conclusion and the premises in respective order in one sentence. I said it looked like that, but because it was unprecedented in our five arguments, we did it like the others, and got the answers backwards. It'll be a tricky class.
Government was awesome, have I mentioned that? The people sound sort of stupid, but the teacher is exceptionally sharp, and can rein the class in quite expertly. The conversations were totally civil, and had glimpses of thought. Still, our ONE outspoken conservative is an idiot, and that's kind of disappointing. I want to meet more conservatives who don't use the words "Obama," "the government," and "socialism," as some catch-all phrases that are synonymous with what's wrong with the world, because I have yet to hear the WHY in all of the ranting. This woman's issue was that "the government" is just out to get our money, based on all the underage smoking tickets she paid to cover her teenage sons. We should all be able to smoke wherever we want, and at whatever AGE we want! Oh, and seat belts. As adults, we shouldn't have to wear seat belts, it's just "the government" taking away "our freedom" to be fucking retarded. Smarter conservatives, please! To credit my professor further, he asked "What about MY freedom to NOT smoke?" which was left unanswered, due to this woman's listing of where she could not smoke.
I've griped about Japanese before, and the problems aren't different, but there are new positives. Pretty ladies! Pretty ladies who comment on how they like my D&D bag (the Bag of Holding) because -they- used to play D&D! I was unsure of what to do for a while, but luckily, because there was teaching going on, I had a buffer. On our break, I did what I could to turn her passing compliment into a conversation, and I succeeded, because we are now acquaintances. Go me! The girl in front of me turned around and gave an unsolicited "Hi" too, so maybe I'll make more acquaintances Tuesday. I must latch on to these normalish pretty ladies before we get a group assignment! I will not work peacefully with the weeaboos! THERE WILL BE BLOOD O_O.
Actually, there IS one problem with Japanese I didn't address. The teacher said that Japanese is not a sing-songy language (that's right), but then proceeded to teach the pronunciations in a sing-songy manner (that's wrong). How did I notice? With my keen, detective-level senses, of course. Oh, and MOST OF THE CLASS WAS DOING IT THAT WAY TOO, HOW COULD I IGNORE IT?! Ugh. It sounds sorta like "dah Dah DAH dah Dah". Bold is accented. All I could do was be as monotone as Seanly possible, and be a little louder. I didn't want to draw too much attention, after all.
I gotta read 54 pages for Government by Monday, so recreational stuff is set aside for now, although I'm using the hour and a half between Japanese and Logic to read in the library, so I got through the rest of Plato, Aristotle, and might still be in the middle of St Augustine. There's still five other books I need to get through, and not just "I intend to read," but, "I need to read IMMEDIATELY."
Sean
Monday, September 7, 2009
Brrn
I have a problem when people say someone has too much time on their hands. There was some contest on this channel where fans had to design a "bump" for them (an ad is the best approximation I can think of). When the time comes to reveal the winner, it's "someone who has way too much time on their hands." That example was a stupid joke, but the way they use phrase is still the same-- assumptive. I don't like it.
One day, at an appointment with my therapist (I'm required to see one while on "psychiatric" medication), I was trying to explain an idea, and it didn't come out exactly right, but it was something about the prioritization of our society's values, how I didn't like them, and how I didn't feel obligated to get a shitty job just because I lived at home. She didn't disguise her reaction very well, because her whole response, despite whatever she actually said, read as "You need to grow up." I was surprised at the response, but unlike my therapist, I did not show it.
You, dear therapist, need to be aware that though our values are different, that neither of ours are inherently better. Secondly, I feel that what you consider to be "responsible" is empty. Somehow, according to your (and many others') idea of what a responsible adult does, I was doing great while I was working. And that it's a shame that I stopped. Somehow, the fact that I was, at first, miserable, and later, just as miserable, but USED to being that way, covered in bleach and whatever else leaked out of those soggy boxes, was LESS important than the fact I was working.
Yeah yeah, economy. I was fortunate to have employment. For the first time, I had my own money. I got what I was supposed to out of that job. But it speaks volumes about us when the job, and whether or not you have it, matters more than you. Obligations do factor in, but as someone who doesn't have any, I'm done catching all the flak.
Maslow's hierarchy of human needs lists self-actualization at the top of a pyramid, sitting on physical and emotional stability. "Having a job" addresses basic needs. Gotta have money for food and shelter. "Entertainment" too (internet, books, whatever), but it doesn't cover higher needs, the ones we require to grow as people. That's why, for people who just get minimum wage, knuckle-dragging, field slave jobs their whole lives, being employed should stop being glorified. It's for purely existing.
Growth, growth is what has value (to me, that is). That's why I'm going to OCC now. Eastern was a bad decision because I had no idea what I wanted. The Academy of Art was a bad idea because I did it on a lark. I remember saying to Fr. Henry "Is there a job where I can just learn the rest of my life?" And that's why I quit Family Dollar. I realized the only way I was gonna be happy was to keep learning. But at least by this point I found a direction.
Still, nowhere in there is a plan on how to get out of work. It's inevitable, I would be naive to think otherwise. The trick is to pick something that is interesting, not like work, or at least really tolerable. My hope is research. If that fails, then college-level teaching. If that fails, I'll get a doctorate and retry those steps. If that fails, I'll teach English to Japanese people. If that fails, I'll write a book. That still has potential to fail, but if I bullshit convincingly enough, I have a shot. But I will not, WILL NOT be a field slave anymore. It's all house-work for me from now on. I would hate to go back to that, to re-zombify, to shut my mind off just to get through a day. No way in hell.
Sean
One day, at an appointment with my therapist (I'm required to see one while on "psychiatric" medication), I was trying to explain an idea, and it didn't come out exactly right, but it was something about the prioritization of our society's values, how I didn't like them, and how I didn't feel obligated to get a shitty job just because I lived at home. She didn't disguise her reaction very well, because her whole response, despite whatever she actually said, read as "You need to grow up." I was surprised at the response, but unlike my therapist, I did not show it.
You, dear therapist, need to be aware that though our values are different, that neither of ours are inherently better. Secondly, I feel that what you consider to be "responsible" is empty. Somehow, according to your (and many others') idea of what a responsible adult does, I was doing great while I was working. And that it's a shame that I stopped. Somehow, the fact that I was, at first, miserable, and later, just as miserable, but USED to being that way, covered in bleach and whatever else leaked out of those soggy boxes, was LESS important than the fact I was working.
Yeah yeah, economy. I was fortunate to have employment. For the first time, I had my own money. I got what I was supposed to out of that job. But it speaks volumes about us when the job, and whether or not you have it, matters more than you. Obligations do factor in, but as someone who doesn't have any, I'm done catching all the flak.
Maslow's hierarchy of human needs lists self-actualization at the top of a pyramid, sitting on physical and emotional stability. "Having a job" addresses basic needs. Gotta have money for food and shelter. "Entertainment" too (internet, books, whatever), but it doesn't cover higher needs, the ones we require to grow as people. That's why, for people who just get minimum wage, knuckle-dragging, field slave jobs their whole lives, being employed should stop being glorified. It's for purely existing.
Growth, growth is what has value (to me, that is). That's why I'm going to OCC now. Eastern was a bad decision because I had no idea what I wanted. The Academy of Art was a bad idea because I did it on a lark. I remember saying to Fr. Henry "Is there a job where I can just learn the rest of my life?" And that's why I quit Family Dollar. I realized the only way I was gonna be happy was to keep learning. But at least by this point I found a direction.
Still, nowhere in there is a plan on how to get out of work. It's inevitable, I would be naive to think otherwise. The trick is to pick something that is interesting, not like work, or at least really tolerable. My hope is research. If that fails, then college-level teaching. If that fails, I'll get a doctorate and retry those steps. If that fails, I'll teach English to Japanese people. If that fails, I'll write a book. That still has potential to fail, but if I bullshit convincingly enough, I have a shot. But I will not, WILL NOT be a field slave anymore. It's all house-work for me from now on. I would hate to go back to that, to re-zombify, to shut my mind off just to get through a day. No way in hell.
Sean
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Ugghhhhh
First day of classes could have gone better.
I ran slightly late, so I was hoofin' it to my first class (Japanese), keeping close tabs on the time. I was outside of the building at 9:58, and after very quickly going upstairs, I found out I was late-- the clock in the classroom is five minutes fast, but it's the time the teacher keeps. So I was late. Fine, fine, so I should leave the house about 10 minutes sooner.
The class is full of social retards. I have a pretty good idea of who I don't want to speak to already, and no, it's not "anyone". Don't get ahead of me. The thing is, I knew Japanese would be full of annoying weeaboos. I learned that lesson in kendo-- anything authentically Japanese is likely to attract obnoxious anime fans, because of anime itself. I like Japan. I like Japanese things, even including anime. But I don't consider these interests hobbies (I'd still like to make kendo a more regular thing, though >_>).
I have a real problem with people who consider "anime/manga" a hobby. It's essentially calling reading comics and watching cartoons your hobby. But they're different, because anime and manga are JAPANESE!!! Ugh. My issue with this is that we're not Japanese. When American kids start using quirky Japanese expressions, it bothers me. When American kids flock to anyone with genuine Japanese experience, God save them if they should be an actual Japanese person, and treat them like gurus instead of regular people, which most people tend to be, it bothers me. The first person I knew I would not be spending much time talking to would be the girl who greeted me in Japanese, took every opportunity to speak at the teacher's slightest pauses (such as inhalation), sometimes also in Japanese, and then gave a sad, full-upper-body gesture complete with some sort of disappointing tone when the instructor said we wouldn't be getting through something or other. The next group was every person who nodded when the teacher said anime is one of the motivating factors for someone to pick up Japanese. The last guy was the guy next to me, who spent the whole time drawing manga.
It bothers me because it's not their culture. Whatever "knowledge" they possess and are regurgitating at everyone is, at best, an empty mimicry. It's something they saw or read, and it was probably in English. Even if it was subtitled, for example, there are going to be gaps in understanding. There are assumptions in the acts and speech that we don't have-- we as English speakers, we as Western thinkers, and most specifically, we as Americans. I can think of one instance off the top of my head where I just said "Why the hell is this character doing this?" It was in an anime called Claymore, and as far as the viewers and the other characters knew, the main heroine seemed to have died in some crazy, explosive battle. Another character, who was like a younger brother figure, just kept calling/screaming her name... for at least half a minute! No music, no sound effects, not even shots of what this kid was even doing, just thirty to forty seconds of "CLARE! CLARE! CLARE! CLARE!" and a blocked view of a fiery crater. That's the most dramatic and prolonged example, but I *know* that this sort of thing happens all over anime/manga, this repeated calling. In cases where the audio is dubbed into English, this can be muddled over with new dialogue specific to the translation, but in the original Japanese, it's quite prevalent. But I don't know what the hell it means, exactly how it's significant.
And that's part of the point. When they record or write something in English and change it, it's to cater to a different audience, and give it a familiar tone for American viewer/reader. Verbatim translations would leave dialogue very clunky, and some of the mannerisms wouldn't gel without a well-placed phrase here and there (kudos to the English writing teams).
It doesn't mean they're ignorant, necessarily. With our access to so much information, anyone not from Japan could read, watch, and listen enough to know what this or that means. To put it together properly, though, you'd need to be a part of some Japanese society. The experience is separate from the knowledge. These kids bother me, I suppose, because they act as though knowing is enough, and that they think they know enough to act.
They're also calling what I did on Saturday mornings a hobby, and that's a little silly.
I just want to avoid grouping with the zealots. I'm gonna hunt out the regular people (or "the squares," if you prefer) and cling to them with everything my sanity can muster. I can help those people, should they need it. I even sort of WANT to work with people. I realize that I'm flying my Freak Flag, with my long hair, my Bag of Holding, and my tendency to paint my nails, but those squares will be mine!!
Logic looks busy. I already have a 3000-3500 word paper due November nineteenth. We get to choose the topic, but we have to take a stand and make logical (GO FIG) points to support it. I dunno what I want to write about yet. I'm taking the class with Richy, and that was a HUGE relief, since there's a lot of group work involved with the class. Last time I had a group in class for a college course, no one communicated and we all failed a giant project. At least Richy and I have a fighting chance. The prof is interesting. He teaches at three places in addition to OCC. He speaks at Schoolcraft, University of Phoenix (they have a physical location on six mile in a business building), and U of M. U of M is his main school, and I know that not just because it's the biggest one, but because he uses their e-mail service. I have high hopes, but am a little intimidated by the workload presented on the syllabus.
I'll be in Japanese again Tuesday, and Wednesday will mark my first session of American Government.
Sean
I ran slightly late, so I was hoofin' it to my first class (Japanese), keeping close tabs on the time. I was outside of the building at 9:58, and after very quickly going upstairs, I found out I was late-- the clock in the classroom is five minutes fast, but it's the time the teacher keeps. So I was late. Fine, fine, so I should leave the house about 10 minutes sooner.
The class is full of social retards. I have a pretty good idea of who I don't want to speak to already, and no, it's not "anyone". Don't get ahead of me. The thing is, I knew Japanese would be full of annoying weeaboos. I learned that lesson in kendo-- anything authentically Japanese is likely to attract obnoxious anime fans, because of anime itself. I like Japan. I like Japanese things, even including anime. But I don't consider these interests hobbies (I'd still like to make kendo a more regular thing, though >_>).
I have a real problem with people who consider "anime/manga" a hobby. It's essentially calling reading comics and watching cartoons your hobby. But they're different, because anime and manga are JAPANESE!!! Ugh. My issue with this is that we're not Japanese. When American kids start using quirky Japanese expressions, it bothers me. When American kids flock to anyone with genuine Japanese experience, God save them if they should be an actual Japanese person, and treat them like gurus instead of regular people, which most people tend to be, it bothers me. The first person I knew I would not be spending much time talking to would be the girl who greeted me in Japanese, took every opportunity to speak at the teacher's slightest pauses (such as inhalation), sometimes also in Japanese, and then gave a sad, full-upper-body gesture complete with some sort of disappointing tone when the instructor said we wouldn't be getting through something or other. The next group was every person who nodded when the teacher said anime is one of the motivating factors for someone to pick up Japanese. The last guy was the guy next to me, who spent the whole time drawing manga.
It bothers me because it's not their culture. Whatever "knowledge" they possess and are regurgitating at everyone is, at best, an empty mimicry. It's something they saw or read, and it was probably in English. Even if it was subtitled, for example, there are going to be gaps in understanding. There are assumptions in the acts and speech that we don't have-- we as English speakers, we as Western thinkers, and most specifically, we as Americans. I can think of one instance off the top of my head where I just said "Why the hell is this character doing this?" It was in an anime called Claymore, and as far as the viewers and the other characters knew, the main heroine seemed to have died in some crazy, explosive battle. Another character, who was like a younger brother figure, just kept calling/screaming her name... for at least half a minute! No music, no sound effects, not even shots of what this kid was even doing, just thirty to forty seconds of "CLARE! CLARE! CLARE! CLARE!" and a blocked view of a fiery crater. That's the most dramatic and prolonged example, but I *know* that this sort of thing happens all over anime/manga, this repeated calling. In cases where the audio is dubbed into English, this can be muddled over with new dialogue specific to the translation, but in the original Japanese, it's quite prevalent. But I don't know what the hell it means, exactly how it's significant.
And that's part of the point. When they record or write something in English and change it, it's to cater to a different audience, and give it a familiar tone for American viewer/reader. Verbatim translations would leave dialogue very clunky, and some of the mannerisms wouldn't gel without a well-placed phrase here and there (kudos to the English writing teams).
It doesn't mean they're ignorant, necessarily. With our access to so much information, anyone not from Japan could read, watch, and listen enough to know what this or that means. To put it together properly, though, you'd need to be a part of some Japanese society. The experience is separate from the knowledge. These kids bother me, I suppose, because they act as though knowing is enough, and that they think they know enough to act.
They're also calling what I did on Saturday mornings a hobby, and that's a little silly.
I just want to avoid grouping with the zealots. I'm gonna hunt out the regular people (or "the squares," if you prefer) and cling to them with everything my sanity can muster. I can help those people, should they need it. I even sort of WANT to work with people. I realize that I'm flying my Freak Flag, with my long hair, my Bag of Holding, and my tendency to paint my nails, but those squares will be mine!!
Logic looks busy. I already have a 3000-3500 word paper due November nineteenth. We get to choose the topic, but we have to take a stand and make logical (GO FIG) points to support it. I dunno what I want to write about yet. I'm taking the class with Richy, and that was a HUGE relief, since there's a lot of group work involved with the class. Last time I had a group in class for a college course, no one communicated and we all failed a giant project. At least Richy and I have a fighting chance. The prof is interesting. He teaches at three places in addition to OCC. He speaks at Schoolcraft, University of Phoenix (they have a physical location on six mile in a business building), and U of M. U of M is his main school, and I know that not just because it's the biggest one, but because he uses their e-mail service. I have high hopes, but am a little intimidated by the workload presented on the syllabus.
I'll be in Japanese again Tuesday, and Wednesday will mark my first session of American Government.
Sean
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Woo!
Grades were finally posted for the Summer semester, and I didn't think to check it until last night. I have a 3.48 cumulative GPA. I got a B- in that math class.
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Man, I don't know how they figured it, but this exceeded my highest expectations! I was thinking, best case scenario, I wouldn't see a 3.5 for another YEAR of A's, low A's, and maybe a high B or two. Now? I could be on the Dean's List (honor students who haven't graduated) by the end of THIS SEMESTER. AAHHHH, I can't wait!
Sean
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Man, I don't know how they figured it, but this exceeded my highest expectations! I was thinking, best case scenario, I wouldn't see a 3.5 for another YEAR of A's, low A's, and maybe a high B or two. Now? I could be on the Dean's List (honor students who haven't graduated) by the end of THIS SEMESTER. AAHHHH, I can't wait!
Sean
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