^ZOMG CONSECUTIVE NEW POSTS.
After writing about my crappy paper, I caught up on several days of work, and it actually looks much better. Go figure.
I've been thinking a bit about politics lately. Mostly how much I hate it, but also where I stand on it all. The problem with my stances on anything is that they're always changing. When I first applied to work as an election inspector, I had to give them a party affiliation, because legally, in the state of Michigan, election inspector "boards" (those five people sitting around) have to have members representing at least two different parties. The reason for that is not corruption, as a friend of mine was quick to say, but because of voting laws. If a voter needed help marking the ballot, we have to have two people from differing parties help them, so as to avoid "voter bias." Same with ballot tabulation. A couple of people from two different parties check all the odd ballots and double check each others' work. Back then, I wrote "Libertarian," but I've seen the little sheet election chairmen get, and I'm listed as nothing. Not even "independent". My box was blank. Do I have to pay a party money to be officially recognized??
I used to think I was Libertarian, and that it was full of good ideas. I still kind of think they're good ideas, but only in an ideal situation. This US history class I took back in May showed me the real strength of a decentralized government. Care for a non-binding resolution, sir? The biggest thing I realized in that class wasn't about politics, though, it was that old adage about history repeating itself being true. The "largest, most advanced military force in the world being unable to truly defeat a guerrilla force" thing has happened far more often than I ever knew. But the topic of States Rights and decentralized government has happened twice to our own country, and failed both times. Yeah yeah, Civil War, blah blah. But I found out that America was FOUNDED on States' Rights! And also that it was really shitty, so they ditched the Articles of Confederation in favor of the Constitution, which set up a stronger, federal government. The states themselves were insular and uncooperative, which isn't to say they aren't anymore, but the federal government has the power to manage them now. The way I'm painting it sounds like I'm defining Libertarianism very narrowly, just speaking about "less central government," but there are deeper statements rooted in the philosophy that I cannot agree with, mainly the idea that individual people know what's best for them. I'd love to say it was true, but I've met people, and I know it's hopelessly wrong. Same with anarcho-communism. People, on a large scale, are just not good enough to do what they need to do.
So I wasn't anti-government, and I wasn't conservative, and I wasn't even as moderate as I thought. Hey, why not go and read about socialism? At the very least, I'd actually know what I was talking about, unlike the people who call Obama a communist. Seriously, if those people had thought to ask the socialists or the communists about Obama's actions, they would be in for some disappointment. Anyway. I stumbled across this idea that blew my mind-- "dictatorship of the proletariat based on democratic principles." Woah, dude. Woah. It's this bit of socialist philosophy from a guy called Leon Trotsky, whose particular "communist" stylings were quite the opposite of Stalin's. I also found out communism, as Marx wrote, is an endgame situation devoid of a government, so I guess any so-called communist regimes really aren't communists at all. Socialism is sort of the interim between capitalist society and communism, a government paving the way for a stateless society. Personally, I think a world without money and possession would be great, but again, the idea "works" because it's untested and hypothetical. I don't really feel that I'm a Socialist either, because supporting the midway point seems fruitless, although the membership card would be a great conversation piece.
I've been asked "Why do you need labels?" and the answer is "BECAUSE I LIKE THEM." They make things simple. But in recent months, I've been watching myself grab at every idea like I was the first person to think it, and trying to fit into some role. I have an intense need for symbols and ritual and ideas, and I keep falling into new ones saying "This, this is it! I know everything I need to know because of THIS!" It's hard not to do, but I am aware of it, even if it is a bit after the fact.
I've done this with the rantings about tattoos, too. I had three new tattoo ideas today which were way better than head tattoos... But each was better than the one before it. Because of this, I'm not getting any tattoos now. I can't keep one idea I like for even a month, so all bets are off. Gonna have to remind myself not to get caught in a hasty mood...
Busy day tomorrow, rawr.
Sean
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
nom
I haven't been writing here lately because of the imagined priority of my Logic paper, but I'm really not getting anywhere with it. It's gonna be shit, so I'm just gonna hack out the word requirement, throw sources where needed, and hope for a mid-level grade on it. There's something about Logic that I'm not getting, and I don't know what it is.
The way I dream bothers me because of how intense my emotions get during REM sleep. The warmest, fullest, most content happiness I've ever felt was in a dream, as well as the deepest sorrow I've ever felt. I woke up one morning recently for two reasons-- it was very hard to breathe (I've been having a lot of problems with asthma) and because of the phenomenal sadness of this dream. I had made it most of the way to the basement before a few giant sobs made their way out, but it was funny. I was occupied with my breathing and trying to get to the bathroom, barely awake, and my body was still dealing with an emotional situation that didn't even exist. Whereas part of me said "That's the saddest fucking thing in the entire world," the "rest of me" was getting annoyed! I had priorities, after all. I like telling that story because I find it really odd and somewhat amusing.
Dead possum #3 is the garbage. It's #3 because that's how many dead possums have shown up in our yard in the past year or so. Nova isn't bothering with them post mortem, so I don't think it's his doing. They stink.
Poor Nova. He's really running out of steam, although today he looked more like himself than he has for a while. I think he hurt himself, but the vet thinks he's got arthritis, so he's got painkillers. We're feeding him glucosamine with the hopes that it'll make him a little more mobile. He's not IMmobile, but he is very limpy, and after a hectic day (no one has a fucking brain around here, Dozer is still allowed to beat the shit out of Nova) he can barely get up. Not to mention his heartworm situation... Poor doggy.
Japanese was going better til this quiz today. I did quite poorly. I feel I did about the same on the first quiz. However, they are 25 points, while our tests are worth 100. On my first full-on test? 94. I know what I need to work on, so I should do well again.
St Andrews is crazy, I guess. From what I understand, at some point in the last three years, the diocese has had an exorcism performed there. We're also doing tons of stuff out of turn as a congregation in the Episcopal church, which is really pissing off the higher ups we're asking help from. I dunno. Things are odd. People are still missing important points.
I'm really fat right now. I'm probably going to join the gym my brother goes to. Everyone keeps harping on me because of Coke, but that's not THE thing that makes me fat. I would say THE thing is that I live at home and don't have control over what food comes in without spending my own money, which currently consists of fifteen dollars. Another important part is sedentary lifestyle, but I'd still place that just under "eating wrong". Luckily, exercise is something I CAN do, AND has shown significant results when I really start kicking ass. My weight is really quite variable, it just depends on which direction I'm "pushing" it. Strength training, I can do no problem, but cardio, more vital to direct weight loss, is something I lack access to. I tried running, I fucked up my feet in the process. I tried the treadmill we have, but it's old and shitty and can't maintain one constant speed. The pace of circuit training cannot compare to real, focused cardiovascular exercise. I'm going to join this gym for access to their elliptical machines. Ken uses them for the same reason I'm going to-- "My joints get tired faster than I do." He's doing what I should have been, and he's in good shape because of it, although he still probably eats less than me (but that may change as soon as he's out of school). I'll say it right now, though. I've weighed less than him before. At one point, he weighed 10 pounds more, and still looked thinner, and I do hate him for it.
Realistically, I know I'll be maintaining an overweight body. But "overweight" at 6' is 184+. Right now, I'm aiming at not being "obese" on the BMI. And I can do that through exercise and less Coke. I did it before without meaning to (Eastern's band camp), and I think I'll be below high school weight with a focused effort.
zomg tired
Sean
Update: I just joined Planet Fitness, and am going to rock their elliptical machines.
The way I dream bothers me because of how intense my emotions get during REM sleep. The warmest, fullest, most content happiness I've ever felt was in a dream, as well as the deepest sorrow I've ever felt. I woke up one morning recently for two reasons-- it was very hard to breathe (I've been having a lot of problems with asthma) and because of the phenomenal sadness of this dream. I had made it most of the way to the basement before a few giant sobs made their way out, but it was funny. I was occupied with my breathing and trying to get to the bathroom, barely awake, and my body was still dealing with an emotional situation that didn't even exist. Whereas part of me said "That's the saddest fucking thing in the entire world," the "rest of me" was getting annoyed! I had priorities, after all. I like telling that story because I find it really odd and somewhat amusing.
Dead possum #3 is the garbage. It's #3 because that's how many dead possums have shown up in our yard in the past year or so. Nova isn't bothering with them post mortem, so I don't think it's his doing. They stink.
Poor Nova. He's really running out of steam, although today he looked more like himself than he has for a while. I think he hurt himself, but the vet thinks he's got arthritis, so he's got painkillers. We're feeding him glucosamine with the hopes that it'll make him a little more mobile. He's not IMmobile, but he is very limpy, and after a hectic day (no one has a fucking brain around here, Dozer is still allowed to beat the shit out of Nova) he can barely get up. Not to mention his heartworm situation... Poor doggy.
Japanese was going better til this quiz today. I did quite poorly. I feel I did about the same on the first quiz. However, they are 25 points, while our tests are worth 100. On my first full-on test? 94. I know what I need to work on, so I should do well again.
St Andrews is crazy, I guess. From what I understand, at some point in the last three years, the diocese has had an exorcism performed there. We're also doing tons of stuff out of turn as a congregation in the Episcopal church, which is really pissing off the higher ups we're asking help from. I dunno. Things are odd. People are still missing important points.
I'm really fat right now. I'm probably going to join the gym my brother goes to. Everyone keeps harping on me because of Coke, but that's not THE thing that makes me fat. I would say THE thing is that I live at home and don't have control over what food comes in without spending my own money, which currently consists of fifteen dollars. Another important part is sedentary lifestyle, but I'd still place that just under "eating wrong". Luckily, exercise is something I CAN do, AND has shown significant results when I really start kicking ass. My weight is really quite variable, it just depends on which direction I'm "pushing" it. Strength training, I can do no problem, but cardio, more vital to direct weight loss, is something I lack access to. I tried running, I fucked up my feet in the process. I tried the treadmill we have, but it's old and shitty and can't maintain one constant speed. The pace of circuit training cannot compare to real, focused cardiovascular exercise. I'm going to join this gym for access to their elliptical machines. Ken uses them for the same reason I'm going to-- "My joints get tired faster than I do." He's doing what I should have been, and he's in good shape because of it, although he still probably eats less than me (but that may change as soon as he's out of school). I'll say it right now, though. I've weighed less than him before. At one point, he weighed 10 pounds more, and still looked thinner, and I do hate him for it.
Realistically, I know I'll be maintaining an overweight body. But "overweight" at 6' is 184+. Right now, I'm aiming at not being "obese" on the BMI. And I can do that through exercise and less Coke. I did it before without meaning to (Eastern's band camp), and I think I'll be below high school weight with a focused effort.
zomg tired
Sean
Update: I just joined Planet Fitness, and am going to rock their elliptical machines.
Monday, October 5, 2009
cheating strategy
Things aren't great. I hate my classes, and I'm generally irritable and stressed lately. And tired. I forgot when it happened, but I thought about it, and I've been sleeping between 6-7 hours lately, and I'm more of a 10-hour guy. I think it's because I stay out with my friends, and I tell myself that's absolutely okay, because school or work shouldn't stomp out my social life, but then I get tired and grumpy. Still, my friends mean more to me than three extra hours of sleep.
This will be the only Japanese course I take at OCC, because this teacher is the only one who teaches it, and she's got a bitchy attitude. I will not put up with this shit for three more semesters. The first issue was when I missed a class, and she asked if I e-mailed her, and was being a bitch about semantics. The second was when she called on me to translate a sentence in Japanese. I knew I had been called on, and when I did, I went to read the sentence. Proper course of action, no? But she KEPT calling on me. First, it was "the gentleman sitting against the wall", then, "with the gray shirt", then, "with the long hair," then, "sitting alone with no one around him" (it was really only in front and back-- I WAS sitting NEXT to someone) and things like that. Each of those new comments would distract me from reading, so it was about a minute of that shit before I got to do what she asked me to. Fuck that class. I have the books, which we'll be using up until the LAST of FOUR COURSES, and Dr Mark Kane, who WON'T act like such an asshole, and WON'T take TWO FUCKING HOURS to teach a couple of things!!
Logic is still interesting, and there's really only one problem with it, and it's this chick who's kinda slow who always manages to stray into me and Richy's group, scraping for answers rather than contributing. She has an annoying voice and doesn't think, yet expects us to work for her. We don't. Last session she started wandering to other groups, so that's a positive sign.
Oh, I got a paper topic approved! "Transhumanism," which I've tentatively defined as "the artificial evolution of humanity by humanity." The issue (which in Logic terms, is a specific question about a general topic, something quite different from the Sean-Gripe definition) I've "found" is whether or not it will be realized, and the position I took was "yes." Basically, we're not just gonna replace, but enhance our bodies through medicine and technology. It sounds like we do that now, but I'm talking in the EXTREME, and not just pace makers and false limbs.
PoliSci would be loads of fun if the prof weren't so adversarial in his tone and the students weren't so dumb. They don't understand that despite the way it sounds, he's not trying to argue with or shit on anyone. He's trying to lecture. But there are at least two women who are dead set on "beating him" in an "argument." Ugh.
I'm not just irritable and grumpy, though, I've wandered into "intolerable" now. I'm finding it increasingly harder to deal with boredom. Grandma and I went to see the DSO perform some Samuel Barber stuff, and most of it was fun, but one of the longer pieces, Barber's Piano Concerto or something, was SO BORING. It was technically brilliant, but aesthetically anesthetic. Luckily they ended with Don Quixote, which was beautiful, if long (forty-minutes-for-one-song long). And yesterday, Dad was at Grandma's, and it was the usual goofiness until the Michaeliks showed up. Out of a sense of politeness, Ken, Derek, and I just shut up and sat around while the Grown-Ups talked. The Michaeliks were nice guys, but for most of the two hours we were there, we weren't hanging out with Dad and Grandma, we were watching them hang out with the Michaeliks. I'll admit I used dinner as an excuse, and I'm really sorry that I did, but I couldn't take it. I also wanted coke, and that gnawed at me for a while there too.
But I've become intolerable of minute pieces of boredom. And it's another one of those things I throw into the mix when I ask "How do regular people do this when I can't?!" Among that, there's "16 credit hour semesters," "40+ work hours a week AND having a life," "Work AND school AND life" "Put up with X amount of shit for X amount of time," (that one is best illustrated with Jonathan's job at Lowe's, where he's been working for a year and a half since he graduated college, and always talks about how he hates it, although it extends to much more than just occupation), but there are more, which either escape me at the moment or I haven't managed to make into a thought that would be coherent to someone else. How am I so intolerant of insignificant boredom when everyone else is fine?
I'm probably just stressed. I don't really unwind, either, I just screw around/procrastinate. But there are some things keeping it together for me, and one of them is time with friends. There's a real reason I refuse to give up social time, and it's because it helps to have people around. There's something my brother wrote once, about how he had previously believed he shouldn't be so close to his friends because they'd all leave, but it's something I completely reject. The only way my friends are getting away from me is kicking and screaming, and even then, most won't make it. Trust me on that one.
One gleaming light at the end of the tunnel is Eastern. I cannot WAIT to get back to Ypsi. Jon and I are gonna get an apartment together, and it's going to be the most awesome apartment arrangement ever. I liked living with Adam, but he was always working or with Courtney, so I never really SAW him. Jon has said he won't be working, and as of this writing he's single, so maybe I'll actually be living with a friend this time around. I don't blame Adam, though, he had to do so much just to stay afloat, it was nuts. I just need to get through this small-time bullshit and get out there.
I may take -one- more Japanese class at OCC, and it'll be out of convenience. I'll have all my Humanities credits out of the way if I do, and when I transfer to Eastern, if I don't test high enough on my own studies, I'll at least qualify to get into the Intermediate courses there. What I mean is, if I was good enough after studying under Mark Kane, I could take an aptitude test and sail past a course or two, although that's an ideal situation. I can work at it, though.
Sean
This will be the only Japanese course I take at OCC, because this teacher is the only one who teaches it, and she's got a bitchy attitude. I will not put up with this shit for three more semesters. The first issue was when I missed a class, and she asked if I e-mailed her, and was being a bitch about semantics. The second was when she called on me to translate a sentence in Japanese. I knew I had been called on, and when I did, I went to read the sentence. Proper course of action, no? But she KEPT calling on me. First, it was "the gentleman sitting against the wall", then, "with the gray shirt", then, "with the long hair," then, "sitting alone with no one around him" (it was really only in front and back-- I WAS sitting NEXT to someone) and things like that. Each of those new comments would distract me from reading, so it was about a minute of that shit before I got to do what she asked me to. Fuck that class. I have the books, which we'll be using up until the LAST of FOUR COURSES, and Dr Mark Kane, who WON'T act like such an asshole, and WON'T take TWO FUCKING HOURS to teach a couple of things!!
Logic is still interesting, and there's really only one problem with it, and it's this chick who's kinda slow who always manages to stray into me and Richy's group, scraping for answers rather than contributing. She has an annoying voice and doesn't think, yet expects us to work for her. We don't. Last session she started wandering to other groups, so that's a positive sign.
Oh, I got a paper topic approved! "Transhumanism," which I've tentatively defined as "the artificial evolution of humanity by humanity." The issue (which in Logic terms, is a specific question about a general topic, something quite different from the Sean-Gripe definition) I've "found" is whether or not it will be realized, and the position I took was "yes." Basically, we're not just gonna replace, but enhance our bodies through medicine and technology. It sounds like we do that now, but I'm talking in the EXTREME, and not just pace makers and false limbs.
PoliSci would be loads of fun if the prof weren't so adversarial in his tone and the students weren't so dumb. They don't understand that despite the way it sounds, he's not trying to argue with or shit on anyone. He's trying to lecture. But there are at least two women who are dead set on "beating him" in an "argument." Ugh.
I'm not just irritable and grumpy, though, I've wandered into "intolerable" now. I'm finding it increasingly harder to deal with boredom. Grandma and I went to see the DSO perform some Samuel Barber stuff, and most of it was fun, but one of the longer pieces, Barber's Piano Concerto or something, was SO BORING. It was technically brilliant, but aesthetically anesthetic. Luckily they ended with Don Quixote, which was beautiful, if long (forty-minutes-for-one-song long). And yesterday, Dad was at Grandma's, and it was the usual goofiness until the Michaeliks showed up. Out of a sense of politeness, Ken, Derek, and I just shut up and sat around while the Grown-Ups talked. The Michaeliks were nice guys, but for most of the two hours we were there, we weren't hanging out with Dad and Grandma, we were watching them hang out with the Michaeliks. I'll admit I used dinner as an excuse, and I'm really sorry that I did, but I couldn't take it. I also wanted coke, and that gnawed at me for a while there too.
But I've become intolerable of minute pieces of boredom. And it's another one of those things I throw into the mix when I ask "How do regular people do this when I can't?!" Among that, there's "16 credit hour semesters," "40+ work hours a week AND having a life," "Work AND school AND life" "Put up with X amount of shit for X amount of time," (that one is best illustrated with Jonathan's job at Lowe's, where he's been working for a year and a half since he graduated college, and always talks about how he hates it, although it extends to much more than just occupation), but there are more, which either escape me at the moment or I haven't managed to make into a thought that would be coherent to someone else. How am I so intolerant of insignificant boredom when everyone else is fine?
I'm probably just stressed. I don't really unwind, either, I just screw around/procrastinate. But there are some things keeping it together for me, and one of them is time with friends. There's a real reason I refuse to give up social time, and it's because it helps to have people around. There's something my brother wrote once, about how he had previously believed he shouldn't be so close to his friends because they'd all leave, but it's something I completely reject. The only way my friends are getting away from me is kicking and screaming, and even then, most won't make it. Trust me on that one.
One gleaming light at the end of the tunnel is Eastern. I cannot WAIT to get back to Ypsi. Jon and I are gonna get an apartment together, and it's going to be the most awesome apartment arrangement ever. I liked living with Adam, but he was always working or with Courtney, so I never really SAW him. Jon has said he won't be working, and as of this writing he's single, so maybe I'll actually be living with a friend this time around. I don't blame Adam, though, he had to do so much just to stay afloat, it was nuts. I just need to get through this small-time bullshit and get out there.
I may take -one- more Japanese class at OCC, and it'll be out of convenience. I'll have all my Humanities credits out of the way if I do, and when I transfer to Eastern, if I don't test high enough on my own studies, I'll at least qualify to get into the Intermediate courses there. What I mean is, if I was good enough after studying under Mark Kane, I could take an aptitude test and sail past a course or two, although that's an ideal situation. I can work at it, though.
Sean
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Addiction
Just one, though, and it's not Coke.
World of Warcraft. (now referred to as WoW for the rest of the post)
I first played in December 2006. My first character was a dwarf hunter, but the first one I really got invested in was my human paladin, Iswren. In the setting, paladins, as well as priests, serve the Light, and are empowered by it. There is one group of non-player characters called the Scarlet Crusade, who bend this power to serve them in less moral pursuits such as their Inquisition, which means the frequent torturing of sentient undead and even living things, but they are unique in their misuse of the Light. Otherwise, paladins are these paragon warrior-servants. I like them.
Paladins can specialize in three areas--
Protection, which is sword, shield, and pounds of magic plate armor, the emphasis being the attention-grabber of Big Scaries, and surviving.
Retribution, which is two-handed weapon specialization and lots of smiting.
Holy, which is just healing.
Iswren was specialized in the Holy talent-tree. Her concept became combat medic, and I enjoyed playing it.
In WoW, the action takes place on a world called Azeroth, and there are scads of sentient races. The original games in the series pitted humans versus orcs, and it all branched out from those conflicts. Those two peoples represented the main chunks of two factions that exist "today"- the Alliance and the Horde. The Alliance consists of the humans, dwarves, night elves (they're tall and purple), gnomes, and Draenei ("magic aliens" is a bad term, but is the most convenient). The Horde is a coalition of the "leftovers"- orcs, trolls, Forsaken (sentient undead), Tauren (cow people), and blood elves (a few inches short of human-sized, and largely human-colored). Despite the world- and cosmic-level threats to existence, the two factions still find plenty of time to hate and kill each other.
The ongoing, less spectacular conflicts are represented as Battlegrounds in WoW-- a player versus player event that goes on for a set amount of time, where whoever kills the other side and completes the objectives wins.
At first, I hated Battlegrounds-- I always died! But then I learned that there were people who leveled up to the maximum of their brackets (usually 10 levels in one bracket, 11-20, 21-30, so on) and bought or worked insanely hard for "Best in Slot" items, and those things made these characters incredibly powerful. A friend and I did this together, and we were awesome. She would kill things and I would heal her, and it was insane. We once fought two to eight-- and won. In that particular event, those eight accounted for more than half the team! We enjoyed slight fame, even, in our bracket.
But Iswren's story is why I did it. I still don't like Battlegrounds, but the goal was to attain a particular title. It's called "Justicar," and it's awarded to people who have earned enough resources in particular Battlegrounds. It's very time consuming to achieve, and I haven't yet, but I'm closer than most. Iswren's story was going to be her concern and sacrifice for the good of the more common citizenry, those who weren't in the throngs of heroes Saving the World each time a new villain came along. Most other paladins have their sights set on more fantastic enemies than the Horde, but Iswren constantly reminds people that those other things aren't the only threat to daily life in the Alliance. She'd spend her life as a soldier (or as much of one as a combat medic can be), devoid of career ambitions, yet constantly promoted just because the higher ups couldn't ignore the lives she saved, the numbers of the army she sustained. Eventually, when "Justicar" would be conferred to her, they'd tell her no Justicar had been a mere, enlisted soldier, and that even if she didn't accept the title, she'd have to take a commission to continue serving in the army. Her whole drive is based on protecting and serving, so she'll accept a post as an officer, becoming a Knight (that's the lowest commissioned rank in the Alliance) and a Justicar, and it'll be awesome.
Minrah is my main character. I love playing him, he's fun. His story is full, since he's older, but he's really done it all. He's a mage, an engineer (he built his own Turbo Charged Flying Machine-- and yes, that is an actual item in the game), a tailor (don't tell anyone!), a former admiral for a bunch of pirates, a goblinslayer (I did the math, and I killed at least fifteen hundred goblins to get the "Bloodsail Admiral" title), an historian, a boozer, and possibly a lecher, I haven't decided. He was the one I would take to all the new places and dungeons, got all the cool stuff, and the one I played the most.
I miss these characters. But slowly, I've been playing less and less. Today was the first day I logged on in two weeks, but it's not on my original account. I got a new one when I bought a character from a friend (it has to have their last name on it to swap characters), and I got six months of time for it. I ran out of time on the other in late August, and wasn't going to start it up until I saw how hectic (or not) my classes were. They're not very, but that's not the main problem anymore.
The problem is that playing WoW alone sucks. It sucks a lot. It's sooooo boring when you have no one to talk to. Usually, I play when I know my friends are on. But that has changed. They're playing more now on another server, and not just that, but on the opposite faction. They offer that as a service-- for $25, you can move your character and change their faction. And there is an unusual number of people in my group doing that. I not only don't want to PAY for that, but I don't want to change my characters! They're human, they're not orcs or blood elves! Changing them in that very slight way (when you think that it's just an avatar that is swapped, since you can keep everything else) is still just enough for me to feel that I've abandoned Iswren and Minrah entirely, that all the work I did was gone, or for something else. So I want to play my characters, but I don't want to play alone. I want to play my characters, but I may find I don't have time. I want to play my characters, but I never have much cash anymore. I will probably not be renewing anything soon.
I found an old check in a birthday card the other day, for $35. I smacked my forehead and went to call Grandma to ask if I should destroy it or not. She said to bring it over and let her do it, so I said okay and did just that. I got over there, gave the check to her, and she just said "2007!"
Apparently I had a $35 check from my 20th birthday. She went and replaced it, and now I feel like a fool. If I had taken a second to read the year, I wouldn't have even mentioned it. I feel like a dick now, as if I came off as expectant or demanding, and I really don't mean to. She didn't owe me that money, but she gave it anyway. I've talked to Grandma about this sort of thing before, about gifts I felt I "didn't deserve" or thought were too generous or something, and I didn't protest as much this time just because I knew she was going to give it to me whether or not I wanted the check. So I took it, bought some food, and will probably use more of it on gas, since I have to get to Ypsi and back on Friday.
Adam said he needed my face, so Friday, I'm going out, he's gonna sketch my face, and we're gonna talk about whatever art is, and how old school art-elitism is dumb. It's for homework, you see, so it's okay.
It needs to cool off already, because I need to sleep.
Sean
World of Warcraft. (now referred to as WoW for the rest of the post)
I first played in December 2006. My first character was a dwarf hunter, but the first one I really got invested in was my human paladin, Iswren. In the setting, paladins, as well as priests, serve the Light, and are empowered by it. There is one group of non-player characters called the Scarlet Crusade, who bend this power to serve them in less moral pursuits such as their Inquisition, which means the frequent torturing of sentient undead and even living things, but they are unique in their misuse of the Light. Otherwise, paladins are these paragon warrior-servants. I like them.
Paladins can specialize in three areas--
Protection, which is sword, shield, and pounds of magic plate armor, the emphasis being the attention-grabber of Big Scaries, and surviving.
Retribution, which is two-handed weapon specialization and lots of smiting.
Holy, which is just healing.
Iswren was specialized in the Holy talent-tree. Her concept became combat medic, and I enjoyed playing it.
In WoW, the action takes place on a world called Azeroth, and there are scads of sentient races. The original games in the series pitted humans versus orcs, and it all branched out from those conflicts. Those two peoples represented the main chunks of two factions that exist "today"- the Alliance and the Horde. The Alliance consists of the humans, dwarves, night elves (they're tall and purple), gnomes, and Draenei ("magic aliens" is a bad term, but is the most convenient). The Horde is a coalition of the "leftovers"- orcs, trolls, Forsaken (sentient undead), Tauren (cow people), and blood elves (a few inches short of human-sized, and largely human-colored). Despite the world- and cosmic-level threats to existence, the two factions still find plenty of time to hate and kill each other.
The ongoing, less spectacular conflicts are represented as Battlegrounds in WoW-- a player versus player event that goes on for a set amount of time, where whoever kills the other side and completes the objectives wins.
At first, I hated Battlegrounds-- I always died! But then I learned that there were people who leveled up to the maximum of their brackets (usually 10 levels in one bracket, 11-20, 21-30, so on) and bought or worked insanely hard for "Best in Slot" items, and those things made these characters incredibly powerful. A friend and I did this together, and we were awesome. She would kill things and I would heal her, and it was insane. We once fought two to eight-- and won. In that particular event, those eight accounted for more than half the team! We enjoyed slight fame, even, in our bracket.
But Iswren's story is why I did it. I still don't like Battlegrounds, but the goal was to attain a particular title. It's called "Justicar," and it's awarded to people who have earned enough resources in particular Battlegrounds. It's very time consuming to achieve, and I haven't yet, but I'm closer than most. Iswren's story was going to be her concern and sacrifice for the good of the more common citizenry, those who weren't in the throngs of heroes Saving the World each time a new villain came along. Most other paladins have their sights set on more fantastic enemies than the Horde, but Iswren constantly reminds people that those other things aren't the only threat to daily life in the Alliance. She'd spend her life as a soldier (or as much of one as a combat medic can be), devoid of career ambitions, yet constantly promoted just because the higher ups couldn't ignore the lives she saved, the numbers of the army she sustained. Eventually, when "Justicar" would be conferred to her, they'd tell her no Justicar had been a mere, enlisted soldier, and that even if she didn't accept the title, she'd have to take a commission to continue serving in the army. Her whole drive is based on protecting and serving, so she'll accept a post as an officer, becoming a Knight (that's the lowest commissioned rank in the Alliance) and a Justicar, and it'll be awesome.
Minrah is my main character. I love playing him, he's fun. His story is full, since he's older, but he's really done it all. He's a mage, an engineer (he built his own Turbo Charged Flying Machine-- and yes, that is an actual item in the game), a tailor (don't tell anyone!), a former admiral for a bunch of pirates, a goblinslayer (I did the math, and I killed at least fifteen hundred goblins to get the "Bloodsail Admiral" title), an historian, a boozer, and possibly a lecher, I haven't decided. He was the one I would take to all the new places and dungeons, got all the cool stuff, and the one I played the most.
I miss these characters. But slowly, I've been playing less and less. Today was the first day I logged on in two weeks, but it's not on my original account. I got a new one when I bought a character from a friend (it has to have their last name on it to swap characters), and I got six months of time for it. I ran out of time on the other in late August, and wasn't going to start it up until I saw how hectic (or not) my classes were. They're not very, but that's not the main problem anymore.
The problem is that playing WoW alone sucks. It sucks a lot. It's sooooo boring when you have no one to talk to. Usually, I play when I know my friends are on. But that has changed. They're playing more now on another server, and not just that, but on the opposite faction. They offer that as a service-- for $25, you can move your character and change their faction. And there is an unusual number of people in my group doing that. I not only don't want to PAY for that, but I don't want to change my characters! They're human, they're not orcs or blood elves! Changing them in that very slight way (when you think that it's just an avatar that is swapped, since you can keep everything else) is still just enough for me to feel that I've abandoned Iswren and Minrah entirely, that all the work I did was gone, or for something else. So I want to play my characters, but I don't want to play alone. I want to play my characters, but I may find I don't have time. I want to play my characters, but I never have much cash anymore. I will probably not be renewing anything soon.
I found an old check in a birthday card the other day, for $35. I smacked my forehead and went to call Grandma to ask if I should destroy it or not. She said to bring it over and let her do it, so I said okay and did just that. I got over there, gave the check to her, and she just said "2007!"
Apparently I had a $35 check from my 20th birthday. She went and replaced it, and now I feel like a fool. If I had taken a second to read the year, I wouldn't have even mentioned it. I feel like a dick now, as if I came off as expectant or demanding, and I really don't mean to. She didn't owe me that money, but she gave it anyway. I've talked to Grandma about this sort of thing before, about gifts I felt I "didn't deserve" or thought were too generous or something, and I didn't protest as much this time just because I knew she was going to give it to me whether or not I wanted the check. So I took it, bought some food, and will probably use more of it on gas, since I have to get to Ypsi and back on Friday.
Adam said he needed my face, so Friday, I'm going out, he's gonna sketch my face, and we're gonna talk about whatever art is, and how old school art-elitism is dumb. It's for homework, you see, so it's okay.
It needs to cool off already, because I need to sleep.
Sean
Monday, September 21, 2009
Bwah
I'd sort of forgotten about this. I've been seeing so much of the couple of people who read it that I didn't need this for a while. But there are some things I'd like to write, just because it's easier than hoping different things will come up in conversation (the way I used to do it makes for awkward conversations, in my opinion).
It's been a long time since I'd seen many people who showed up Wednesday, and not just family members. My friend at St. Andrews, Click Thomas, came up and said hello, gave his sympathies and all that. It was like he was never sick. Last time I saw him, he could barely get through a service, due to his condition (which I've forgotten the name of, but it makes soft tissue hard, and it has made it so he can't eat very much food, among other things I'm sure). I miss Click. He and his wife Pat, who is basically the kitchen-lady of that church, were the first people to really reach out to me in big ways. I had meant to go Sunday, but the past several nights, I've slept quite poorly. Tonight's not looking any better, due to humidity.
I dunno if you got that message I sent you, dad, but I remember (now) exactly when that picture was taken. Heather pulled out a camera, and it had to turn on or something. I had no idea WHEN in those few moments the picture had been taken, but I think my brother and I were mistaken in assuming when it was done. Alaina was running around Heather's legs, peeking around at us. I remember that. Was not an angry face.
Visited the psychiatrist today, told him about some headaches and twitching I've been having, but, considering stressful circumstances, we're just going to "watch closely" and see if anything's different next month before cutting back on meds.
Tonight I found a birthday check I never cashed, and will have to alert Grandma to this. She lent me another book (God help me), but I've already finished it. It was pretty interesting, was told from the point of view of an autistic kid. It looks longer than it is, the type is a little large, and it's double spaced, so I breezed through it all today. I was gifted (rather than lent, which I originally thought) a copy of the Apocrypha, which I'm interested in, but am going to leave it a little further down the list of "MUST READ NOW". Near the bottom is my Logic book, because I know just by having the class that I'll get through all of it in a matter of time. Here's the list;
1) 13 Thinkers+, A Sampler of Great Philosophers by Gerald F. Kreyche
2) The Art and Science of Fencing by Nick Evangelista
3) Moral Politics: How Liberals and Conservatives Think by George Lakoff
4) Simplicity, The Freedom of Letting Go by Richard Rohr
5) Becoming a Critical Thinker: A User Friendly Manual, 5th ed, by Sherry Diestler
6) The Apocrypha by who the hell knows
I've gotten at least half way through the first three, which are interesting, relatively quick reads. Fencing is the easiest to get through, which is why it's so far up. I'm hoping to be done with SOMETHING soon, I have homework coming up >_<.
For my position paper, I figure I'll just go with the armed martial arts topic I've been dwelling on. I'm going to take the position that we don't need them, because we really DON'T, but... I love them! Ugh. I can't argue that we DO need things like fencing and kendo, because we don't. We flat out do not -need- these things, for a number of reasons I need to stretch into three thousand words. I am not looking forward to it. He may not even approve my topic, in which case I'm fucked, because I can't think of any other thing I could possibly write about and argue for or against. Most "mundane" topics will be even less likely to be approved, as they've probably already been done by someone in a previous class, or taken by someone in THIS one. And they're boring anyway. Everyone has opinions on "big issues," and most of them are boring, for boring reasons, blah blah blah.
In writing that, I had a flash of inspiration. My friend Adam is an artist, and wants to get into the Master's program at Eastern, but he's facing a major stumbling block-- he does a lot of illustrative, fantasy stuff. A lot of his professors are telling him to strip away the fantastic elements, so his paintings will be "better," or more acceptable to them, but they end up being figure drawings with maybe a simple background. The "why" of it all could make a fascinating paper! I just need to figure out how to turn it into an argument, and what position I'd take (probably Adam's). The fun part is that we're allowed to use and even conduct interviews as research. I'll have to call out to Ypsi tomorrow.
I thought Fall started today, where's my beautiful Fall weather?
Logic is moving along, but my other classes are kind of crawling. Japanese needs to start teaching me things I don't know, and PoliSci... I don't where it's going, we only ever stir up some heated discussion about current events, which was fun once, but is really stale now. Our first quiz is Wednesday, and we have to go get our own test sheets, something new to me, but I'm told is an old practice (blue books, essentially). PoliSci would be more fun if the people in our class weren't dumb.
I was talking to Grandma about psychology stuff today, and I totally forgot how much I wanted to do more of it. I don't even know where to begin next semester. The problem is that it seems like I would do better to take one class before another, but it's not required or even suggested like that. In theory, I could just dive into Experimental Psychology. Abnormal Psych might help, though. So I don't know what I'll do yet.
Sean
It's been a long time since I'd seen many people who showed up Wednesday, and not just family members. My friend at St. Andrews, Click Thomas, came up and said hello, gave his sympathies and all that. It was like he was never sick. Last time I saw him, he could barely get through a service, due to his condition (which I've forgotten the name of, but it makes soft tissue hard, and it has made it so he can't eat very much food, among other things I'm sure). I miss Click. He and his wife Pat, who is basically the kitchen-lady of that church, were the first people to really reach out to me in big ways. I had meant to go Sunday, but the past several nights, I've slept quite poorly. Tonight's not looking any better, due to humidity.
I dunno if you got that message I sent you, dad, but I remember (now) exactly when that picture was taken. Heather pulled out a camera, and it had to turn on or something. I had no idea WHEN in those few moments the picture had been taken, but I think my brother and I were mistaken in assuming when it was done. Alaina was running around Heather's legs, peeking around at us. I remember that. Was not an angry face.
Visited the psychiatrist today, told him about some headaches and twitching I've been having, but, considering stressful circumstances, we're just going to "watch closely" and see if anything's different next month before cutting back on meds.
Tonight I found a birthday check I never cashed, and will have to alert Grandma to this. She lent me another book (God help me), but I've already finished it. It was pretty interesting, was told from the point of view of an autistic kid. It looks longer than it is, the type is a little large, and it's double spaced, so I breezed through it all today. I was gifted (rather than lent, which I originally thought) a copy of the Apocrypha, which I'm interested in, but am going to leave it a little further down the list of "MUST READ NOW". Near the bottom is my Logic book, because I know just by having the class that I'll get through all of it in a matter of time. Here's the list;
1) 13 Thinkers+, A Sampler of Great Philosophers by Gerald F. Kreyche
2) The Art and Science of Fencing by Nick Evangelista
3) Moral Politics: How Liberals and Conservatives Think by George Lakoff
4) Simplicity, The Freedom of Letting Go by Richard Rohr
5) Becoming a Critical Thinker: A User Friendly Manual, 5th ed, by Sherry Diestler
6) The Apocrypha by who the hell knows
I've gotten at least half way through the first three, which are interesting, relatively quick reads. Fencing is the easiest to get through, which is why it's so far up. I'm hoping to be done with SOMETHING soon, I have homework coming up >_<.
For my position paper, I figure I'll just go with the armed martial arts topic I've been dwelling on. I'm going to take the position that we don't need them, because we really DON'T, but... I love them! Ugh. I can't argue that we DO need things like fencing and kendo, because we don't. We flat out do not -need- these things, for a number of reasons I need to stretch into three thousand words. I am not looking forward to it. He may not even approve my topic, in which case I'm fucked, because I can't think of any other thing I could possibly write about and argue for or against. Most "mundane" topics will be even less likely to be approved, as they've probably already been done by someone in a previous class, or taken by someone in THIS one. And they're boring anyway. Everyone has opinions on "big issues," and most of them are boring, for boring reasons, blah blah blah.
In writing that, I had a flash of inspiration. My friend Adam is an artist, and wants to get into the Master's program at Eastern, but he's facing a major stumbling block-- he does a lot of illustrative, fantasy stuff. A lot of his professors are telling him to strip away the fantastic elements, so his paintings will be "better," or more acceptable to them, but they end up being figure drawings with maybe a simple background. The "why" of it all could make a fascinating paper! I just need to figure out how to turn it into an argument, and what position I'd take (probably Adam's). The fun part is that we're allowed to use and even conduct interviews as research. I'll have to call out to Ypsi tomorrow.
I thought Fall started today, where's my beautiful Fall weather?
Logic is moving along, but my other classes are kind of crawling. Japanese needs to start teaching me things I don't know, and PoliSci... I don't where it's going, we only ever stir up some heated discussion about current events, which was fun once, but is really stale now. Our first quiz is Wednesday, and we have to go get our own test sheets, something new to me, but I'm told is an old practice (blue books, essentially). PoliSci would be more fun if the people in our class weren't dumb.
I was talking to Grandma about psychology stuff today, and I totally forgot how much I wanted to do more of it. I don't even know where to begin next semester. The problem is that it seems like I would do better to take one class before another, but it's not required or even suggested like that. In theory, I could just dive into Experimental Psychology. Abnormal Psych might help, though. So I don't know what I'll do yet.
Sean
Friday, September 11, 2009
alt shift¿
I didn't want to write about HWH, or Wednesday at all, because I saw my blog that day, and felt selfishness pouring out of the screen, but I dunno, maybe it's selfish (or a form of denial) not to. I didn't know him as well as I wanted to, though I'm glad that I did at all, and for as long as I had. Grandma told me once, the first time I had shown them the "warrior" shirts, that he really appreciated the word "grandfather" on it, instead of grandpa, and since this week, I don't refer to him as grandpa anymore (it's HWH in text, "my Grandfather" in speech). I had hoped that I wouldn't have cried the way I did while he could see me, because I didn't want to make it harder for him, emotionally, and I feel like I may have failed him in that regard (I am not asking/fishing for and do not want consolation on this point, it's just something I had to say sometime, somewhere). I'm glad Kenny and I were both there, I didn't want to be the only grandchild. I was surprised HWH managed to pull a face when he first noticed my brother there. I feel it speaks to who he was, that even though we had to let him go right about then, he lightened up in spite of it. I wish I'd had something to say, some poignant phrase to give, during any of the visits, not just the last. I just stood. What bothers me most is that I'm still thinking about myself.
I've finally been to each of my classes. In picking which ones I thought would be most interesting, I got the order totally wrong. American Government was awesome, and Japanese is totally frustrating. Logic is, wait for it-- in the middle. Our "exercises" for Logic were kinda lame, but it's still a class I look forward to. We (it was a group exercise) had to pick out the conclusions and premises out of some arguments, but I had forgotten (I feel it should have been more emphasized when we started it) to use "uniform language," which is just restating parts of the argument. We don't interpret or describe the points, we JUST find and restate it. So after everyone got the first one "wrong", we wised up and annihilated the others, with the exception of one, where the sentences were already in order, in that they contained the conclusion and the premises in respective order in one sentence. I said it looked like that, but because it was unprecedented in our five arguments, we did it like the others, and got the answers backwards. It'll be a tricky class.
Government was awesome, have I mentioned that? The people sound sort of stupid, but the teacher is exceptionally sharp, and can rein the class in quite expertly. The conversations were totally civil, and had glimpses of thought. Still, our ONE outspoken conservative is an idiot, and that's kind of disappointing. I want to meet more conservatives who don't use the words "Obama," "the government," and "socialism," as some catch-all phrases that are synonymous with what's wrong with the world, because I have yet to hear the WHY in all of the ranting. This woman's issue was that "the government" is just out to get our money, based on all the underage smoking tickets she paid to cover her teenage sons. We should all be able to smoke wherever we want, and at whatever AGE we want! Oh, and seat belts. As adults, we shouldn't have to wear seat belts, it's just "the government" taking away "our freedom" to be fucking retarded. Smarter conservatives, please! To credit my professor further, he asked "What about MY freedom to NOT smoke?" which was left unanswered, due to this woman's listing of where she could not smoke.
I've griped about Japanese before, and the problems aren't different, but there are new positives. Pretty ladies! Pretty ladies who comment on how they like my D&D bag (the Bag of Holding) because -they- used to play D&D! I was unsure of what to do for a while, but luckily, because there was teaching going on, I had a buffer. On our break, I did what I could to turn her passing compliment into a conversation, and I succeeded, because we are now acquaintances. Go me! The girl in front of me turned around and gave an unsolicited "Hi" too, so maybe I'll make more acquaintances Tuesday. I must latch on to these normalish pretty ladies before we get a group assignment! I will not work peacefully with the weeaboos! THERE WILL BE BLOOD O_O.
Actually, there IS one problem with Japanese I didn't address. The teacher said that Japanese is not a sing-songy language (that's right), but then proceeded to teach the pronunciations in a sing-songy manner (that's wrong). How did I notice? With my keen, detective-level senses, of course. Oh, and MOST OF THE CLASS WAS DOING IT THAT WAY TOO, HOW COULD I IGNORE IT?! Ugh. It sounds sorta like "dah Dah DAH dah Dah". Bold is accented. All I could do was be as monotone as Seanly possible, and be a little louder. I didn't want to draw too much attention, after all.
I gotta read 54 pages for Government by Monday, so recreational stuff is set aside for now, although I'm using the hour and a half between Japanese and Logic to read in the library, so I got through the rest of Plato, Aristotle, and might still be in the middle of St Augustine. There's still five other books I need to get through, and not just "I intend to read," but, "I need to read IMMEDIATELY."
Sean
I've finally been to each of my classes. In picking which ones I thought would be most interesting, I got the order totally wrong. American Government was awesome, and Japanese is totally frustrating. Logic is, wait for it-- in the middle. Our "exercises" for Logic were kinda lame, but it's still a class I look forward to. We (it was a group exercise) had to pick out the conclusions and premises out of some arguments, but I had forgotten (I feel it should have been more emphasized when we started it) to use "uniform language," which is just restating parts of the argument. We don't interpret or describe the points, we JUST find and restate it. So after everyone got the first one "wrong", we wised up and annihilated the others, with the exception of one, where the sentences were already in order, in that they contained the conclusion and the premises in respective order in one sentence. I said it looked like that, but because it was unprecedented in our five arguments, we did it like the others, and got the answers backwards. It'll be a tricky class.
Government was awesome, have I mentioned that? The people sound sort of stupid, but the teacher is exceptionally sharp, and can rein the class in quite expertly. The conversations were totally civil, and had glimpses of thought. Still, our ONE outspoken conservative is an idiot, and that's kind of disappointing. I want to meet more conservatives who don't use the words "Obama," "the government," and "socialism," as some catch-all phrases that are synonymous with what's wrong with the world, because I have yet to hear the WHY in all of the ranting. This woman's issue was that "the government" is just out to get our money, based on all the underage smoking tickets she paid to cover her teenage sons. We should all be able to smoke wherever we want, and at whatever AGE we want! Oh, and seat belts. As adults, we shouldn't have to wear seat belts, it's just "the government" taking away "our freedom" to be fucking retarded. Smarter conservatives, please! To credit my professor further, he asked "What about MY freedom to NOT smoke?" which was left unanswered, due to this woman's listing of where she could not smoke.
I've griped about Japanese before, and the problems aren't different, but there are new positives. Pretty ladies! Pretty ladies who comment on how they like my D&D bag (the Bag of Holding) because -they- used to play D&D! I was unsure of what to do for a while, but luckily, because there was teaching going on, I had a buffer. On our break, I did what I could to turn her passing compliment into a conversation, and I succeeded, because we are now acquaintances. Go me! The girl in front of me turned around and gave an unsolicited "Hi" too, so maybe I'll make more acquaintances Tuesday. I must latch on to these normalish pretty ladies before we get a group assignment! I will not work peacefully with the weeaboos! THERE WILL BE BLOOD O_O.
Actually, there IS one problem with Japanese I didn't address. The teacher said that Japanese is not a sing-songy language (that's right), but then proceeded to teach the pronunciations in a sing-songy manner (that's wrong). How did I notice? With my keen, detective-level senses, of course. Oh, and MOST OF THE CLASS WAS DOING IT THAT WAY TOO, HOW COULD I IGNORE IT?! Ugh. It sounds sorta like "dah Dah DAH dah Dah". Bold is accented. All I could do was be as monotone as Seanly possible, and be a little louder. I didn't want to draw too much attention, after all.
I gotta read 54 pages for Government by Monday, so recreational stuff is set aside for now, although I'm using the hour and a half between Japanese and Logic to read in the library, so I got through the rest of Plato, Aristotle, and might still be in the middle of St Augustine. There's still five other books I need to get through, and not just "I intend to read," but, "I need to read IMMEDIATELY."
Sean
Monday, September 7, 2009
Brrn
I have a problem when people say someone has too much time on their hands. There was some contest on this channel where fans had to design a "bump" for them (an ad is the best approximation I can think of). When the time comes to reveal the winner, it's "someone who has way too much time on their hands." That example was a stupid joke, but the way they use phrase is still the same-- assumptive. I don't like it.
One day, at an appointment with my therapist (I'm required to see one while on "psychiatric" medication), I was trying to explain an idea, and it didn't come out exactly right, but it was something about the prioritization of our society's values, how I didn't like them, and how I didn't feel obligated to get a shitty job just because I lived at home. She didn't disguise her reaction very well, because her whole response, despite whatever she actually said, read as "You need to grow up." I was surprised at the response, but unlike my therapist, I did not show it.
You, dear therapist, need to be aware that though our values are different, that neither of ours are inherently better. Secondly, I feel that what you consider to be "responsible" is empty. Somehow, according to your (and many others') idea of what a responsible adult does, I was doing great while I was working. And that it's a shame that I stopped. Somehow, the fact that I was, at first, miserable, and later, just as miserable, but USED to being that way, covered in bleach and whatever else leaked out of those soggy boxes, was LESS important than the fact I was working.
Yeah yeah, economy. I was fortunate to have employment. For the first time, I had my own money. I got what I was supposed to out of that job. But it speaks volumes about us when the job, and whether or not you have it, matters more than you. Obligations do factor in, but as someone who doesn't have any, I'm done catching all the flak.
Maslow's hierarchy of human needs lists self-actualization at the top of a pyramid, sitting on physical and emotional stability. "Having a job" addresses basic needs. Gotta have money for food and shelter. "Entertainment" too (internet, books, whatever), but it doesn't cover higher needs, the ones we require to grow as people. That's why, for people who just get minimum wage, knuckle-dragging, field slave jobs their whole lives, being employed should stop being glorified. It's for purely existing.
Growth, growth is what has value (to me, that is). That's why I'm going to OCC now. Eastern was a bad decision because I had no idea what I wanted. The Academy of Art was a bad idea because I did it on a lark. I remember saying to Fr. Henry "Is there a job where I can just learn the rest of my life?" And that's why I quit Family Dollar. I realized the only way I was gonna be happy was to keep learning. But at least by this point I found a direction.
Still, nowhere in there is a plan on how to get out of work. It's inevitable, I would be naive to think otherwise. The trick is to pick something that is interesting, not like work, or at least really tolerable. My hope is research. If that fails, then college-level teaching. If that fails, I'll get a doctorate and retry those steps. If that fails, I'll teach English to Japanese people. If that fails, I'll write a book. That still has potential to fail, but if I bullshit convincingly enough, I have a shot. But I will not, WILL NOT be a field slave anymore. It's all house-work for me from now on. I would hate to go back to that, to re-zombify, to shut my mind off just to get through a day. No way in hell.
Sean
One day, at an appointment with my therapist (I'm required to see one while on "psychiatric" medication), I was trying to explain an idea, and it didn't come out exactly right, but it was something about the prioritization of our society's values, how I didn't like them, and how I didn't feel obligated to get a shitty job just because I lived at home. She didn't disguise her reaction very well, because her whole response, despite whatever she actually said, read as "You need to grow up." I was surprised at the response, but unlike my therapist, I did not show it.
You, dear therapist, need to be aware that though our values are different, that neither of ours are inherently better. Secondly, I feel that what you consider to be "responsible" is empty. Somehow, according to your (and many others') idea of what a responsible adult does, I was doing great while I was working. And that it's a shame that I stopped. Somehow, the fact that I was, at first, miserable, and later, just as miserable, but USED to being that way, covered in bleach and whatever else leaked out of those soggy boxes, was LESS important than the fact I was working.
Yeah yeah, economy. I was fortunate to have employment. For the first time, I had my own money. I got what I was supposed to out of that job. But it speaks volumes about us when the job, and whether or not you have it, matters more than you. Obligations do factor in, but as someone who doesn't have any, I'm done catching all the flak.
Maslow's hierarchy of human needs lists self-actualization at the top of a pyramid, sitting on physical and emotional stability. "Having a job" addresses basic needs. Gotta have money for food and shelter. "Entertainment" too (internet, books, whatever), but it doesn't cover higher needs, the ones we require to grow as people. That's why, for people who just get minimum wage, knuckle-dragging, field slave jobs their whole lives, being employed should stop being glorified. It's for purely existing.
Growth, growth is what has value (to me, that is). That's why I'm going to OCC now. Eastern was a bad decision because I had no idea what I wanted. The Academy of Art was a bad idea because I did it on a lark. I remember saying to Fr. Henry "Is there a job where I can just learn the rest of my life?" And that's why I quit Family Dollar. I realized the only way I was gonna be happy was to keep learning. But at least by this point I found a direction.
Still, nowhere in there is a plan on how to get out of work. It's inevitable, I would be naive to think otherwise. The trick is to pick something that is interesting, not like work, or at least really tolerable. My hope is research. If that fails, then college-level teaching. If that fails, I'll get a doctorate and retry those steps. If that fails, I'll teach English to Japanese people. If that fails, I'll write a book. That still has potential to fail, but if I bullshit convincingly enough, I have a shot. But I will not, WILL NOT be a field slave anymore. It's all house-work for me from now on. I would hate to go back to that, to re-zombify, to shut my mind off just to get through a day. No way in hell.
Sean
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