Addendumb

After all that positivity and optimism, I got a Notice of Academic Dismissal from Eastern today. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's all still because of my "freshman" year. It's not representative of my academic career before or since, but as long as I'm at this school, it's gonna weigh me down. I'll win the appeal easily, with my awesome grades that I've been getting as proof, but...

I should have a 3.0. That's what I've averaged over the two semesters back. And now that I'm starting classes that are relevant and exciting? I could be an honors student one day, maybe possibly! But not at Eastern, not if I have to keep dredging through this swamp of retarded policy. Not if I have to pass every class between now and graduation with a flawless A, just to pick up my GPA from 1.72. I'm thinking I might be better off at another school, which sounds ridiculous, since I've been through so many already. In my "appeal" letter, I'm going to make that known to them, and hopefully they'll start to work for my tuition, instead of treating me like some asshole who -doesn't- rack up tons of debt to be there.

If they keep my GPA at the same level, it may not matter if the appeal goes through or not. I want the option of grad school open to me. Largely because real Linguistics careers are at the masters degree-level and beyond. I am not aiming for beyond, and not even necessarily grad school, if computer stuff ends up being too good to drop, but I want the choice to be available.

I'ma start digging for potential new schools, just in case.

Sean

Posting this, f'realz

This has all sort of fallen apart, eh? I've actually got quite a few drafts back here, but they're not fit to print, in my opinion. I'm writing now by request, even though I should have been keeping up all along.

April 19th marked the end of my first year back at Eastern. Both semesters, I got A's, B's, and a C, and in another school, I'd have a 3.0 average. Because of my "freshman" year, I'm working with a 1.72. That sucks, but I'm convinced it won't/can't stay low forever. Each semester, I've retaken one class from when I was 18, so those new grades are replacing the old ones, and I'm gonna do that for as long as that's feasible. What's feasible, though, has changed.

My transcripts from OCC don't affect my GPA at Eastern. All 20 credits are just passing, essentially empty credit hours. It means I've passed whatever classes are equivalent between OCC and EMU, but that's it. That has hampered my retaking of failed credits a bit. They were all low level Gen Eds, and I did almost all of them at OCC. What's left to redo is minimal, unless I take certain classes a third time, which I won't do.

There's an upside, though. Because I have two minors, I have about 20 more credit hours than I would have had if I only declared one minor. More time sounds crappy to other people, but I like being in school, and besides that, the extra time means more classes I'll do well in, and a higher cumulative GPA. I have every confidence I'll graduate with something respectable.

More upside. Now that my stupid transcripts from OCC have finally gone through, I'm a couple of credits away from being a "junior", so I finally meet the requirements to take a 200-level course... like Intro to Linguistics. FINALLY, to be able to do something directly related to my major! My first semester back was all odds and ends. Although my Anthropology class had some stuff about linguistics, it wasn't the point of the course. Second semester, I did Intro to Programming, which was for my Computer Science minor, so I got a little closer to the point, but that was the only degree-related thing I've taken at Eastern so far. My Psych classes from OCC will count toward my Psych minor, though, so good new on that.

Intro to Linguistics is the only thing I've registered for right now, because of another upside. I got a job. I'm a security officer for William Davis Security. I've trained for about 8 hours already, and will do another shift tomorrow. I do rounds, which means I walk around for about 15 minutes, and go to different checkpoints in the building I'm at. It's closed off, not a public place. Automotive stuff, lots of computers and machinery around, hardly any people. When I'm not walking around, I sit at my station, redirect calls, sign for packages, or read. Mostly, it's been reading, but I think that's because there isn't enough work for two guys on the same shift (which will end when my training does). But the reason I haven't lined up more classes is because I wanna see if this position is as stable as I've been told it is. If I keep the schedule they've given me, I can work and go to school full time. I'd work Saturdays and Sundays, 8am-4pm, and then Mondays and Tuesdays, 4pm-midnight. The only conflict between that and going to school that I can see is sleeping. I'd probably have a wonky sleep schedule, but... honestly, it seems worthwhile. I don't want to end up graduating in 8 more years, or something comparable.

I need the money, too. I need to move out. I'll have the means, I just need to find a suitable place. After some odds and ends care for my computer, all of my money is going to be saved, because I'm good at that. In terms of cash priority, there's nothing I want to buy more than I want to get my own place.

I've thought this out, too. Even at a sizable tax rate (let's say 30%), and a potential retarded purchase (let's say $500), I'd have enough money by the last paycheck in August to pay for three months of rent and whatnot at Adam and Courtney's building across the street from campus. And that's only figuring in paychecks from June to August, because I'm not counting the money I may or may not spend on my computer (although it certainly wouldn't be all the money I'd earn in a month). And I don't have fly out for random vacations, so... >_> That's good.

I'd say things feel like they're happening, something that hasn't really occurred for a while. Good times.

Sean

Racism is not the only argument

I know I swore off politics, but that doesn't mean I've stopped being criticized for the few basic principles I still feel strongly about. I have been criticized/straw-manned by people who said in as many words that I was a good, faceless comrade, except... those are the same people who then sneer and take a shit on words like "diversity" and "multi-culture."

I hear a lot that the only argument the left has against the right is "racism." It is not. In fact, that's a good illustration of my first point-- selective hearing. I can try and share all the reasons and information in the world, or ask something I sincerely want an answer to, but whether or not anything gets through is not something I can affect, unless my aim is to piss everyone off, in which case the obscenities are loud and clear.

I think the problem there is "truthiness." A better term is "emotivism," but truthiness is more biting-- 'a "truth" that a person claims to know intuitively "from the gut" without regard to evidence, logic, intellectual examination, or facts.' I feel like because people already "know," they don't need to listen. They CLEARLY have the answer. So what if dozens of reputable sources say something to contrary, personal experience makes you absolutely correct! Never mind that yours is an isolated case- it happened to YOU, and YOU KNOW everything there is to know on the subject because of this!

So discussion falls apart, because people feel their way through rather than reason it. Honest questions and argumentation become personal attacks, because I'm essentially telling them that they feel wrong, which isn't my aim, but I don't get to choose how people interpret things. If I wanted nothing more than to say "Fuck you," that's all I'd type, rather than take the time to weave it into a sociopolitical rant. It takes too much time, and I don't care enough to do that.

I'm gonna write what I believe, why, and then ask questions about differing points of view, ones that genuinely perplex me. Hopefully, by understanding where I'm coming from, and knowing that I'm not doing it to be a douche, I can get some honest, well thought out answers some day. I'm not gonna post them now, because it's 7:30 in the AM and I'm tired, but I'll get them out here one day. I'll write up a huge pre-rant thing before the questions so maybe you can get an idea of -why- I feel the way I do.

Sean

Gotta be a better way...

... to do pretty much everything. I wish I could explain why I stopped writing, except, looking at it all now, that the whole blog is whiny and selfish, and I'd really like not to be those things anymore. As for an update, well, I was trying to find a picture, but I didn't find anything satisfactory, so here's how I am;

It feels as though there's something grinding in the back of my mind. I was gonna use "droning," but grinding is better, I think. Most of the time, I can distract myself in some thing or another, nice song or good conversation or something. There times where it gets "louder," to the point that the grinding becomes a metallic screech. There's an in-between, but that's still under the label of tolerable.

I've had some "arguments" with people that have gone wrong because of a very specific form of misunderstanding. I use quotation marks because we clearly disagreed, but without anyone knowing how or why, or where that disconnect was. One notable instance was over some ill-deserved outrage (in my opinion) over a tax hike on tanning salons. The initial comment was something like "Really? They're gonna tax THIS too?" to which I gave a simple enough answer-- the government taxes plenty of things, and tanning is pretty bad for you anyway, since it causes cancer and all, so, along the lines of other harmful services and products that have been taxed, like tobacco, why not this? It would help cut down on people overcooking themselves on tanning beds, which may help lower melanoma rates, and those who still insisted on turning their hides into a rugged leather would be contributing to tax revenues.

The responses were idiotic. I got one woman who was telling me about her experiences with psoriasis and another who was straw-manning me on the political side, making me out to be a proud red worker bee, and didn't you know conformity is great, comrades? I decided to try and keep my cool. If I could show them what's what, if I work out my points clearly and rationally, and back them up with some good info, then they could at least see what I meant, right?

Not a chance. Psoriasis lady insisted that the tanning tax would hurt people like her, who absolutely NEED their 15 minutes under a bed to keep their condition under control, doctors orders. Well, because I am at least slightly resourceful, I went digging for answers. As it turns out, a tanning bed is the very -last- thing a doctor would recommend, and it would be more of a suggestion, not a medically prescribed treatment. First, they would prescribe "light therapy," but the fact of the matter is that there are not many light therapy clinics. The difference between light therapy beds and tanning beds are fairly significant. Therapy bulbs are white light, tanning beds are blue, and whichever ray (UVA or UVB, I don't remember, it's not important anymore) that psoriasis patients needed were almost completely absent in the blue tanning lights. There was a lot of stuff about vitamin D production, too, which tanning beds mostly sucked for. The only advantages to a tanning bed were that it was cheaper than therapy and quicker (though not safer or by any means better) than sunbathing.

I plastered source after source (.govs and .orgs, and only big names for the latter) in a slow, deliberate answer, where I made the case that what psoriasis patients needed was appropriate health care (via light therapy or anything I could find that was actually medically advisable [tanning beds are not]), and even after admitting that doctors would whisper it as a latch ditch effort to help these kinds of people who may not have access to better things, the response I got was something like "Yeah, well, my doctor TOLD me to, so THERE!" I have graciously added capitalization and punctuation.

The only incident the political woman had worth mentioning is when she tried posting "sources." What a bunch of shit. One was a youtube video of a town hall-style meeting with Barack Obama about health care (I can't find it, this was probably a year or more ago). I didn't understand it at first, but then it clicked-- I was supposed to take a certain phrase Barack Obama said literally, but I didn't, because that's not what he meant at all. Some lady had asked him a question about a specific situation involving her elderly mother. She was in failing health, so what would happen? Obama's response wasn't carefully worded enough, so it came out sounding like the doctor was just gonna put the old bat down. This is as close to the end of the phrase as I can muster: "...the family will have to get together and talk about it, and the doctor will have to decide what the appropriate course of action is." Ehh, I think I slanted that a bit harsher, because it was REALLY innocuous to me at the time, but I can't recall the exact quote. All I remember is that I was supposed to hear synchronous boot stepping and see BIG BROTHER's face, because Barack Obama was obviously gonna kill all of our grandma's.

I ended up telling them to fuck off and die because they're so goddamn stupid, although in a much grander fashion, and with marginally more tact. It just got to the point where reading their retarded attempts at arguing filled my head with the sound of screaming metal-on-metal, as if two buzz saws were mating on some sheet metal. It's like that for a lot of things now.

So I didn't vote on November 2. I have yet to hear a good reason why I should have. This resulted in another "argument" where I laid out my position (maybe not as clearly as it could have been), and was met all around with non-answers. I asked why I should have, and one of the comments was "If you don't know, you better ask somebody." Seriously. Here's why I didn't-- I don't give a damn about any of the gubernatorial candidates. Virg Bernero is a douche, and the Republican (I don't remember his name) was even less impressive. Here's one more-- I would have had to make the normally 35 minute one-way drive twice in rush hour, gotten done voting at the busiest time of the day, and then finish eating in under two hours, between 5 and 7, my last class and kendo in the gym. Not worth it for two interchangeable politicians who probably won't bring Michigan out of it's hole.

I dunno if I should publish a pamphlet or what. "How to Successfully Make Your Point Without Driving Sean to Murder". It just seems like there are too many people who don't know what a sound argument or good information is. For whatever reason, all the conservatives I've tried to talk to, be it a crazy old Catholic lady or some friends who really like AK's, get this weird air about them, where they try spooking me into thinking I'm about to lose all of my human rights, but they do so by spouting hyperbolic gibberish. We don't live in a dystopian sci fi novel, so stop fucking quoting them to make a political point. I've read them, these wild-eyed paranoiacs take way too much to heart, and even more out of context.

I've pretty much lost faith and interest in politics, don't care anymore.

In the all-seeing eye

So, having proclaimed to the world my aims of mad science and supervillainy, I've begun the C++ for Haiku OS tutorials. Of course, I started them while waiting for the melatonin to kick in, so as soon as the compiler was giving me shit (I think I may have to take a longer approach to this particular problem, but I wasn't willing to try at 6 am) I went to sleep.

I really wanna help with Haiku, but I have a feeling it's going to take a long time. On their development page, they specify how they want developers to work, and while I fully understand the need for a standardized form, it feels confining. Shiny, C++-only code, with lots of notes as to what you did and why and blah blah blah, lots of white space and extra typing. Makes me wonder what people would do if they just dipped into Perl, Python, or Ruby.

I think I just have four more weeks of classes for this semester. And thank God for that. Gotta bit more to do than usual, though. Short essay due this week, rewrite of an old one due next week, then our biggest paper due the week after, for English. Japanese, I gotta make up a test I missed in addition to this unit's test. Psych is Psych, there's nothing unusual happening there. The short essay for English would be exciting if I knew what to do. We have to write a review for a film or album, but it has to be something we haven't seen or heard before, and deciding what to review is proving difficult. Japanese is gonna be rough, just because I now need to review two separate units, but I should be okay, I think.

Since my mom asked me if I was going to Eastern this fall, I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm not going this fall, but I do I want to go sooner than Fall '11, so I'm planning for January. Mom is in the loop, and I'm gonna start scouting for apartments in the summer, because that's how far ahead apartment leases free up and also disappear. It's pretty exciting.

The only downside is that Jon is one of those people who can't say "no." He spoke with his friend Ted, who is finishing up a bachelor's, and told him about Eastern's grad programs, and Ted has decided to come up this way, under the assumption that he and Jon were going to live together. Now, because Jon has no spine, they will, but Jon is also naive, and thinks the three of us are going to find an apartment. I told him we weren't going to find a three-bedroom apartment in Ypsilanti, but he retains the thought (ludicrous hope) that we'll just "find something." I'm looking for apartments alone at this point, because that's the realistic situation. Even if we did manage to find some miraculously cheap three-bed place, there would need to be at least two bathrooms, because three guys to one bathroom is not an acceptable ratio outside of a college dorm (although in that case, I wish I could say it wasn't, because it's horrible).

There's one reason I want to get back to EMU for that is academic. I want to take linguistics classes already! I should technically be done with all this liberal arts stuff before I get back out to Ypsi, but part of me fears that I'll have to redo something. But if I can go out there and just get started on the things I WANT, that'd be great. I know I won't have to take math again, so that's awesome. English, maybe, depending on the exact bits. The exact science of transfer credits escapes me, but I have an appointment with a counselor on Friday, so I will hopefully have answers.

As for the loan situation, I'm stuck paying out of pocket. Again. The funniest thing that has happened on this front is getting my FAFSA info back-- Eastern sent me a letter telling exactly which loans and how much they were willing to give me. I didn't even ask them for any of that information. I did not hear anything from OCC. One more reason I'm ready to go back.

Sean

Another case of "trying to post and then I don't."

Health care reform was passed in the house a little while ago. It's not perfect, because we had to drop the "dreaded" public option, and then we punched holes through what was left, and the funny part is that is was to appease moderate and conservative Democrats-- the Republican platform of "ALWAYS NO" made reaching out to them entirely pointless. One Republican guy called a PRO-LIFE Democrat (our very own Representative Bart Stupak) a "baby killer" in the middle of some speech that was -denouncing- the pro-choice measures in the bill, or maybe the fact that they were passing it without the Stupak/pro-life Amendment. Every moment of this ignorance and insanity is recorded; Jon made us watch CSPAN as it was happening (it was not fun).

The only thing that bothers me is that only the Democrats had dissenting members, and not because they voted against something that will help people, but because of the relentless uniformity of the Republican party. Democrats have liberal, moderate, and yes, even conservative members. Republicans have True Conservatives and those they brand RINO's. I find it very unsettling that the party proclaiming freedom and democracy marches so lockstep. Maybe a little funny, too.

I'm about to get all four seasons of Batman: The Animated Series. It's a fantastic cartoon. Started up in 1992, right after the Burton/Keaton Batman movies. It won a couple of Emmy's in its day, and it created what I feel are closest to the ideal versions of each character that could actually exist. I've been thinking about Batman and the Joker a lot recently, and I realized I needed to get reacquainted, since the most recent thing I'd seen or read was The Dark Knight a couple years ago, and all I left is whatever I happened to remember over years of reading and watching-- totally reliable, that ole grey matter, am I right? I've been pretty annoyed, ever since The Dark Knight came out, with how many Heath Ledger fans wormed their way into Batman and claimed Ledger's performance as THE BEST JOKER EVER. This is not true, but again, it's been forever since I've witnessed a good contender, so, Batman: The Animated Series. Dunno which comics I need to scrounge up, but a good rule of thumb for sizing up any character in comics is to 1) get a whole bunch, and 2) average it all out. I feel, though, that a lot of writers try to write the Joker as too dark. I'll show them.

Heading out to Ypsi again, not sure how much sleep I'll get. Nabbed some melatonin the past couple of nights, but ended up sleeping for 11-12 hours each day, so... Not doing that, need to be up.

Sean

What a find!

I use this toolbar add on called StumbleUpon, and I love it to death. I think my dad was right in comparing it to Pandora. Upon initial use, you choose a number of tags related to interests, and they can be general or specific. Then, you hit the Stumble button, and a random page with a randomly selected tag from your choices pops up. Your stumbles are then honed by what you approve and disapprove of. New pages are added when users "thumbs-up" a page that was not previously tagged.

A while ago, I added "open source" to my tags, and today, I feel like I struck gold. It was a picture titled "Open Source, Open World." It started with a timeline of the 20th century, beginning with automakers striking down an attempt to patent the combustion engine, then moving towards computer stuff, highlighting the initial group efforts of scientists and hobbyists. I guess things like UNIX were free at first, then locked down. It goes on to illustrate the GNU project and the proliferation of Linux distros by country (I guess all of Cuba uses Linux, go fig). Next was browsers, then phone stuff, and tech tech tech.

But then! Things besides tech started showing up, beginning with OpenCola (it's not Coke, though, so it's a lie), Wikimedia and Project Gutenberg (public domain media things), Science Commons, which I've used for a paper, some other sciencey stuff, and then Open Courseware.

WHAT O_O.

Yeah, courseware. I immediately ran to Google and found that MIT has tons of old courses available online! It's not the full thing-- very often, it's not even most. What chunks there are depend on the level of the class. Intro to Linguistics, for instance, has more resources available than Linguistic Theory and the Japanese Language. It's very exciting, though, because they have bits and pieces of a lot of different things. Even still, it's far from a complete picture, but I like it.

The information in these things could probably be found in books or websites, but classes just seem accessible to me. I like the idea of structure, and that's what I feel classes provide (when they don't suck!). Still, it all comes down to motivation. I will probably be scouring MIT's site, and looking for a book or something on the side, because Linguistics is the field I'd like to study. I can't do it at OCC, so it's gonna be on my time, and until I find a book that looks idiot-friendly, I have to make do with the internet. We all know how utterly devoid of useful information THAT is, right??

I dunno, I'm tired and excited. I ought to do some studying for Japanese before I get too lost in something else, though. Mid-term's this week, and I'm gonna be busy on Friday, I think. Bill is gonna be brewing beer for real instead of from a kit. Making his own wort and whatnot. It should be interesting.

Next week, I'm hoping to spend more than a few hours on one day in Ypsi.

Sean

Alright. There's a disconnect here. I'm looking for "where" and having trouble.

I think I know what you're saying, but to be honest, even the people closest around me are entirely incomprehensible to me at times. I dunno why I just don't get things that seem obvious, but it happens.

Like any attempt to pin a behavioral trait, whatever I said is subject to exception, and doesn't strictly apply to reality. I know that. I also exaggerated, because I was probably in some sort of mood. If I were even half-right about a single sweeping statement I've made, I'd be invited to soooo many thinktanks and conferences and whatnot for my "unique insight" on human behavior.

As for not getting my hopes up, well, the thing about my plans is that they take place over months and years. Nine months so far, and over a year to go. This will happen, barring catastrophe. I will finish OCC, at the very least. The rest is theoretical, but I need to have an idea for something, because going in blind has not served me well in the past. If it seems like I'm expecting everything to go right all the time, please keep in mind that I'm hoping for the best. I do have plans for the worst, and everything in between, but I'm through wandering and wondering. It's gotten me nowhere, and I'm sick of nowhere.

It's slow going. I am impatient. At this point, I might start taking full time classes instead of part-time, since I know how stupidly low the work requirement actually is at this school. Maybe it won't take another fifteen months. Who knows?

Sean

Blegf

I must have written a half a dozen drafts that won't be posted. Some of them are dreary, some of them are super-political, and I just stopped writing halfway through each of them. I dunno what to say in this blog anymore. This one will be full neurotic rambling too, but I feel like that's a drag to read, and that makes me ask why I'm writing. Pretty lame circle of events. I'll keep people updated in the same way I have been, I spose.

So, seeing my last post was before I started school this semester, here's how classes are--- they suck. I keep going into them all naive and optimistic, only to be let down. Constantly. Only Japanese has been good. We got a really easy-going teacher, and a class of six or so people. I was surprised to find how much I enjoy a tiny class. He keeps us on our toes, too, so I may actually be learning.

It is not so with English and Psych. If I've learned anything, it's the same lesson I learned with Logic-- expectations are extremely low. Psych is just the same song and dance as it was in Summer II, homework is notes, and every class is a ridiculous lecture with a quiz or test. And I mean ridiculous lecture. This man says things that make ME uncomfortable. God, I cannot believe the foolish things this man says. How he got a PhD will forever be a mystery to me. I'm not going to repeat anything he says, because his ideas are so stupid or inappropriate that they make me cringe. For a man who proclaims his love for science, that his religion is science, and that more people need to think like scientists, well, he does the opposite. He speaks largely in supposition and makes broad conclusions based on anecdotal premises! AAAAUGGGH. He makes my brain cry blood.

It took me three weeks to figure out this English Composition class is a waste of my time and money. We began writing drafts of our first paper (which I'm sort of working on while I write this) and then started talking about grammar. I almost perked at that, because even though I use things like commas and apostrophes, I was sure I would learn something I hadn't known before, like semi-colons. Yeah, I never -really- know where to use a semi-colon. But... then we started going over things I learned in seventh grade. I was having flashbacks. When we started doing class work, it consisted of identifying where commas and periods go. PEOPLE WERE GETTING THEM WRONG. I'm sorry, if you come out of high school not knowing what's wrong with a run on sentence, you need to go back.

The paper is due tomorrow. The subject is a remembered event, and has to be under a thousand words. I'm basically done. It's not great, but ya know what? It doesn't have to be. Not when the people around me are barely literate. I'm done getting myself twisted up over OCC, because nothing will need to be absolutely perfect, and I'd just be wasting sleep on worry.

That's basically where I am in life right now. There's no one around to impress, no reason to buckle down, no reason to sell out or change. It's boring and frustrating, but I still find hope in planning. Last time I wrote a little about my Adult theory, and I'm gonna write a little more. It may even have to do with what I wrote in the other part of this paragraph!

Adulthood, the way I see it, is a personality trait. I don't believe everyone has it, and I'm not gonna venture into actual psychology to try and validate it or explain where it comes from. Just observation. Not all mature people are Adults, I would say, because my definition is more narrow. Adults are boring. Adults thrive in the mundane. They exist to fulfill expectation. Weird, unspoken, alien expectations. They don't do things that are "silly" or "stupid", because that is not what Adults do. Not prim and proper, more like "stuck." Stuck in the day-to-day, stuck in their jobs, stuck in minute problems. Never fantasizing, never dreaming, never creating.

I can't begin to guess how many Adults there are according to my somewhat specific category. I wouldn't say all, I wouldn't say most, but I would say a substantial amount. I don't understand them at all. They're alien to me. Part of why I speak so much about politics and religion is because those are things I can bring up and connect with virtually everyone on, regardless of stance. They're like trade languages. But go outside of those things, and your choices are left at small talk. I loathe small talk.

The thing they have going for them, though, is that they're often functioning members of society. They get the grades and jobs they're expected to, they have the relationships they're expected to. They make things work.

And now to tie things together! It is my plan, though more long-term than short, to craft Adult Sean. This will happen more after I've gone to Eastern, where I have the space to do the things needed to form this new persona. The aim is more towards Gentleman Sean than Adult Sean, but more on that in a minute. I sort of conveyed the idea to grandma, who suggested I be myself, but as I told her, if myself is dysfunctional in the "real world," then I need to at least lie and pretend I function. It would be a lie because I am not an Adult, you see.

Gentleman is a bit different. I use the word more in the way of "man's man" than "prim and proper." I've read some ideas on what a modern gentleman might be, and I like some of it. Not just on a date, and not just etiquette, but all the time gentlemanliness. Sociable, knowledgeable, fun, and small doses of silly? Sign me up. The whole premise is an ideal, and I think fewer people are capable of being so... capable, I guess, as these gentleman-theorists would say while peddling a book or seminar or something (I saw a link for a seminar and shook my head). But this too would require fundamental changes in my behavior.

That's what I like thinking about, when I think about my future. Mostly, it's because I'm tired of being in my house, tired of being a child. You're always a child in your parents' house, and I want out. It's just gonna take time. I'm planning out a few meals for Fine Dining Night at my place in Ypsi. I'm not very far into the actual meal itself (I'm on the appetizer-- grilled tomato gazpacho), but I can already see who's there and how surprised they are that I could do something SO FUCKING CLASSY. It knocks their socks off and I win.

Sean

School in... five days??

Just ordered my books for Psych and English. The books I got for Japanese are good for three classes-- the one I took, the one I'm taking, and the one I will be taking in the fall.

I'm feeling better about this semester. English Comp should be a no-brainer, since it's required to graduate. Child Psych will hopefully be less of an ordeal than Summer II's Intro to Psych, if only because I have to go once a week instead of twice. Japanese will be the most tasking, I think. That one requires less regurgitation and more actual thought. I've been peeking ahead so I can start off well.

I spoke with my dad the other day about programming. I've been looking at an assortment of guides on beginner's stuff, but none of it's really going anywhere. They walk me through the Hello World program, make a few other points (this C++ one I'm reading is more thorough, with loops and variables and conditional whatchacall'ems) and then say "Good luck." I don't know what I'm supposed to do with whatever knowledge I've gleaned. I've read that practice is the name of the game, but... what the hell am I supposed to practice, exactly? I can make a crappy calculator in C. I suppose part of the problem is that I'm not focusing. I looked at guides in C, C++, and Python, and my friend Bill said he'd lend me a book on Java if he didn't already give it away.

The whole reason I thought about programming was because I saw a group on Facebook for Haiku OS-- a successor to BeOS, something we'd used when I was a kid. There wasn't a whole lot to it, as I remember, but that's because I was a kid, and all I did on the computer at that time was write and play games (not that it's much different now). I want to get into programming because I want to know how Be worked, how Haiku works, and mostly, so I can contribute to open-source community projects. I fell in love with the idea of community-run development when I read about Linux. About how many man hours Linux took to develop and how much it would have cost a software company. What resonated with me was the fact that things like Linux can thrive purely because enough people care, and the amount of infrastructure and wage slavery to produce the same thing with the same quality is almost infeasible.

The points I am trying together are; "I'm not getting anywhere with programming because I'm looking at too many things", and "I want to aid in the development of open source awesomeness, like HaikuOS." I originally just wanted to learn Python, because it's said to be clear cut and powerful. However, Haiku is being developed in C++, so I'd either need to start there, or learn it concurrently with Python. And I desperately need some good, guided study, not a "Just practice!" pep talk.

POLITICAL IDEOLOGY TALK! I watched a video this morning about how Neo-Nazi's are using the incredible levels of hatred in the radical conservative movement to work their way into mainstream politics. How insane has the world gone when Neo-Nazi's are being taken seriously in America?! The video, a news report by Al Jazeera English, either shows or suggests (point of view, I'd say) that a lot of the fervor being whipped up by people like Tea Party jackoffs and GLENN BECK, MAY HE BURN FOREVER, has a lot to do with racism. The fact that the National Socialist Movement (ie, Neo-Nazi's) have adopted the same rhetoric as mainstream conservatives makes the swelling of "real patriots" somewhat HOLYSHITHORRIFYING. Man, if I ever met that Joe the Plumber douchebag, I'm gonna love seeing the look on his face when I tell him there are some Nazi's who agree with him in his politics. SERIOUSLY, NAZI'S. Nazi's aren't the reason I'm gonna post the video, though. I heard this guy talking about the Tea Party people, and the message of "taking back OUR America," and it was interesting to me because of the kind of America these people want, since it's a totally implicit statement. The video says a primarily Christian America, and, to tie in to the rest of the its message, White, Christian America. I'd say the relationship between white people and the message of a Christian America is spurious, but no one can say authoritatively either way, I suppose.

Sean

A very useable Christmas

Aside from candy, which always ends up in the stocking, I got three physical items for Christmas-- a beer-brewing kit, some gym shorts, and a bottle of Drakkar Noir. Everything else was in glorious gift-card form.

Okay, when I wrote the above, it was before Jonathan had called me. I have since received two more items;

a t-shirt with the name of my podcasting persona, Xenu, and
The Grey Knights Omnibus, a book.

Jon got Bill and I shirts because when he records with us, he forgets our fake names, and has to be edited. The Grey Knights thing is a part of this wargaming hobby, Warhammer 40,000. The book is a collection of stories and fictional history on the group, and it's huge.

I'm still not a fan of Christmas as a secular holiday, because consumerism is wasteful and things like the instances of people being trampled in the name of a good deal greatly disgusts me. The idea that millions of us are celebrating material wealth is abhorrent. Does it make me a hypocrite? Oh, absolutely! I try to justify my participation by spouting conscientious shit, but in the end, I still go and get what people ask me to buy for them. I always talk about what I receive. This year I feel slightly better because of the fact that I will use every bit of it, but it's still part and parcel of that black, gnawing Thirteenth Month. I want to break free of this crap.

But looking at it all, I do feel kinda good about the haul this year. Aside from those few things up there, I got a ton of gift cards, and I love gift cards. They're sort of like giving experiences, in the sense that I do such-and-such in my everyday life, but because I got a gift card, I can do it cheaper or more often. $55 to AMC? Hellllllll yeah. $25 to Outback? Yeeeeeaaaaah! Subway card, gas cards, and a straight-cash debit/gift cardthing? Perfect! Supplementing my regular lifestyle may not be the anti-imperial, anti-consumerist, anti-global whateverism that would be good for everyone, but helping me be me is good enough until I can be a Responsible Adult.

I have more theories about Adults, based on observations while hanging out with my friends. There's a friend of mine who would look like my best friend if written out on paper, but we barely talk to each other, and the difference in personality, I believe, comes from her being an Adult. I'm trying to codify it in my own less-scientific-and-more-so-I-can-remember-what-I-was-thinking kind of way. So far, all I can say is that it is a personality trait, and when I see someone as an Adult, it becomes the primary label. I'll have more eventually, I'm sure. It's just sort of hard to convey.

Sean

A decent sleep

Sleep's been wonky til now-- got at least 12 hours overall last night after a couple days of 3 and 4.

Grades are supposedly due from teachers today, though I don't know what that means for when they'll actually be posted. Japanese ended well, and I'm hoping PoliSci did too, but I couldn't tell, because that prof doesn't return tests or anything.

Next semester's lineup!

Child Development- Tuesday, 9-noon. Took it for more psych, felt it was more towards the bottom when thinking that I would work "from the bottom, up." I've had this prof before, for Intro to Psych, and he's kind of a nut, but the class I have now is the same length and only once a week, so that'll be nice.

English Composition I- Friday, 9-noon. Required credit. I took the section that had a lab attached to it so that I would avoid any unforeseeable and horribly timed tech problems at home. Also kinda hoping it's enough of a no-brainer to screw around on the internet.

Beginning Japanese II- Saturday, 9:30-1:30. I'm hoping that once-a-week will be less painful. I learned that the lady who taught Beg. I isn't teaching Beg. II, so I'm breathing a small sigh of relief. I'm also planning to start studying ahead, as soon as this holiday garbage is done. I can't believe how much time it's taking up.

I need to find a good, short hair style for when I grow up. Right now, all I can think to do is buzz my head again.

AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGH

^ The sound of my balls breaking.

First, happy news. Jon got his official acceptance letter to Eastern's MA of History program, yaaaaaay! To celebrate, we got pizza and watched a documentary.

Aggravating news. Trying to get loans and such for school, and am getting retarded mixed signals. Tried applying directly for a Stafford loan, they said they weren't available for OCC. Odd, fine, so I went to Sallie Mae, since they had actually loaned me money without problems. Got everything done, checked my e-mail regularly for a few days, and tonight, not being able to sleep for whatever annoying reason, I came down and checked again. Sallie Mae sent me something saying that they couldn't process the loan because of "missing or discrepant" information, and that I should go fix it. There's a problem with that.

NOWHERE DOES IT SAY WHAT I NEED TO FUCKING FIX.

Not in the e-mail, not on the site, nowhere. In fact, all it DOES say is that the Borrower Action is complete! That I'm -done-, and all that needs to happen is that my school needs to get their ass in gear. I'm gonna have to call tomorrow and hope I don't lose my mind dealing with this stupid shit.

Already planning a worst-case scenario, I don't get into more classes this semester, I wander around looking for a job, and I run screaming back to Eastern as soon as possible, which could mean May if I'm feeling desperate. Financial aid has been so ridiculous at OCC, compared to the complete non-issue it was at EMU, so I have no concerns about getting loans for it, but I say May rather than January because at the point that I would give up on OCC (about a week, since that's when money is due, and my classes will be auto-dropped without it), it's rather late in the game to tell Eastern I want back in for the Winter semester. Although maybe not. I dunno for sure.

I would like things to go right for more than a little while at a time.

Sean

Fucked up my plans again through the same incredible ineptitude. Will be taking school slower in light of magnificently bombing this fucking Logic paper. I could theoretically fix it, but my test scores, along with looking at the rubric for the position paper, shows I'm not getting it. I'm extremely disappointed. It was just one more class in my workload, and I'm still not doing as well as I did in the summer. I don't understand how I can't handle the same work as anyone else. If I had the words, if I thought I could form the arguments at all, I'd still be working on it. Switching the argument means starting back at zero and going to three thousand words and brand new sources, which, between now and Wednesday is infeasible because of the fact I need to study for two tests in Japanese-- yeah, for some reason, two in the same week. I'm not doing poorly there, but I can't afford to skimp on studying anymore. There's no time, there aren't enough words, there's no inspiration. I really like Logic, too, which breaks my heart to know I suck at it so much. Kind of like my sketching class. History repeats itself, and I'm sort of hoping it's not going to continue as a trend-- that is, doing terribly at the things I enjoy.

Addendum- I also forgot to check in on Bear like I said I would. It's been a pretty good week for being a giant waste of flesh.

He who has a strong enough why can bear almost any how.

^Friedrich Nietzsche. I have this toolbar in Firefox called StumbleUpon, and I dunno what I have chosen to have stumbled a page full of Nietzsche, but I like some of those quotes.

I got the three movies featuring Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter recently (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, and Red Dragon), and when I'm doing something quiet, I keep one of them on in the background. It makes me wish I was taking Abnormal Psychology now instead of later. The FBI agents from the "behavioral sciences" branch are practicing what's known now as forensic psychology. It's pretty cool, except for the part where one forensic psychologist said in an interview that he sometimes has to sit with probably dangerous criminals unattended to evaluate whether or not they're fit to stand trial. But it's cool, because Lecter was a psychiatrist, and former all-star forensic psychologist, and that's why people go to him in these movies when they need to track down a serial killer. It's revealed in the books (which I haven't read, but heard this interesting tidbit about) that unlike most psychopaths, Lecter had only one sign of psychological maladjustment-- animal cruelty (in childhood), one of many signs of Bad Things to Come. Otherwise he flew under the radar. He also didn't keep trophies of his victims (because he had eaten them). In Hannibal, Clarice tries to offer Lecter the FBI's psychological profile on him, which I would have been interested to hear more about, but he ignored the deal. A prequel DOES exist, but I heard it sucks.

I like Hannibal Lecter for reasons other than his complete badassery. I like that he's cultured. I like his handwriting (which is reportedly Copperplate font). I like how well and completely he uses symbols. I like that he made fun of Starling's shoes in Silence of the Lambs, and later bought her a great pair of heels in Hannibal. I like that he prefers to eat the rude. I like that he owned The Joy of Cooking.

Voting day was long and ball-breaking, but it's worth $115. I also found my wallet today, so I'll be able to deposit that check when I finally get it. This was my second co-chair vote, and my sixth overall election, so I put my name up for possible chairmanship in the future. $150 is worth the slightly extra amount of work.

I'm working on a few fine dinners to practice preparing keeping Ypsi in mind. I told Jon we'd be having Fine Dining nights, and I want to make it happen. So far I only have one course of one meal, but I've got time. It's an appetizer, a kind of Spanish tomato soup called gazpacho. I have to figure out what kind of main course to serve, and I definitely want a dessert in there, but I dunno what that'll be yet either. And wine. It sorta sounds like I'll try something safe at first, then play with some ideas later on. Who knows what'll happen?

Sleep has been completely off since Tuesday. I've napped a couple times, but now sleep comes whenever the hell it wants, instead of when I want it to. Not helpful, body.

Sean

On Purity

Thoughts on "purity" have been presented to me in two forms today; in PoliSci, and in Battlestar Galactica: The Plan (a DVD with some new scenes showing the cylon point of view up to season 2 or 3).

Today in PoliSci, my prof pointed out some quirks in the Republican party, citing the recent example of a New York Congressional election. Bigger name Republicans were actually voicing their support to a third party candidate, Douglas Hoffman, over the Republican nominee, Dede Scozzafava, which eventually led her to drop out of the race. He went on to the "purity" issue, but there's a term I want to dredge up first-- RINO, Republican In Name Only. It's used to describe anyone who isn't radically far to the right, such as moderate Republicans, or anyone who looks like they might be "workin' with Obamma" (second 'm' to emphasize the hickish pronunciation, rhymes with "Alabama"). And that acronym came to mind as we spoke in class about how being a "real Republican," even by the definitions of those within the party, is becoming more and more about a lockstep conservative ideology. One step out of line, you're not conservative/Republican (as the case warrants), you're one of THEM, the Impure, the gay, godless LIBERALS. It's kinda sad, kind of unnerving, and definitely off-putting.

Battlestar struck a different note in this "purity" line of thought. In this feature (I wouldn't call it a movie), mixed in with existing clips from the show (to illustrate the timeline) were new scenes showing what the cylons were up to the whole time, and it was surprising. As we got through it, we were shown the conflict within the cylon ranks, which weren't as clear in the show. Different models experienced life among the fleet and humans and began to question what they were doing. One knowingly fell in love with his human wife, and ended up committing suicide outside of the range of Resurrection instead of blowing up the ship he and his family lived on. It ends with the short truce between the humans and cylons, to which all cylon models save one set voted for-- the Ones. But even they had one "unit" among them who decided that the Ones and the rest of the cylons were wrong for attacking mankind. Another One told him that he would be boxed for his "new insights" ("boxing" is taking the consciousness of a cylon from its body and transferring it to a hub where it remains in stasis). They were then executed because the humans found them. It struck me as pertinent in a way. These thoughts had made these cylons "impure", and they would have to be suppressed, contained, or killed. The funny thing is that their experiences with humanity is what made them that way. The time spent among humans fostered compassion in a few of these cylons, and this was dangerous to an ideologically driven genocide.

I have to work a vote tomorrow, looking at fourteen hours of BLEH. I have tests all this week, too. BLEGH!!!

Sean

Halloween weekend

Halloween was fun. I didn't do anything special, really, but it could not have turned out better, in my opinion. Around 7:30, I left for Ypsi, not really knowing what to expect (previously I had been told a haunted house visit was going to happen, but it did not), but knowing that I'd be home in a short number of hours. I ended up bringing a small watermelon, since mom told me we had to eat it within a day or so, and I didn't want to eat it alone. It wasn't that good, though, which made me sad. We sat around playing Jenga for a while since a couple of us had never played. The group ended up being Ali, Doug, Courtney, Adam, and myself. I lost Jenga twice because my hands are so shaky. After giving up on Jenga, we watched a bit of I Know What You Did Last Summer, which sucked, and went for a walk, and it was one of the greatest walks I've had in a while. At first, we played a game called Slidey Pumpkin, which has two rules:

Kick the pumpkin piece, and
Slidey Pumpkin ends when the pumpkin piece is too slick (or SLIDEY) to kick anymore

Someone had smashed a pumpkin on Eastern's campus, and that's how that all started.

But walking with them, especially when there are more people, is too fun. When I'm out in that setting, I run and jump and get into all sorts of tomfoolery. I like to kick people under their feet as they're walking to really piss them off, and that turned into a fun cat-and-mouse game. Adam has this habit of jumping on people's backs, and the last two times he did it to me, I ran off with him pitifully clinging. The first time was on his birthday, and I ran for a block, then ran back, and it turned out to be a bad idea, because it was cold, and my asthma was just horrible for the next couple of hours (I didn't have my albuterol with me because my Advair has been so wonderful, breathing problems really haven't come up). I had also run that block uphill with someone on my back. So, this second time last night, Adam yelled "Uphill!", and I let him go (although that time, I had everything I needed to keep going if I so chose). I'm so glad to have a group of friends like these, where we can wrestle, climb on, and even tickle each other, and it's absolutely fine. It's freeing to have people who don't have tons of hangups. In fact, I'd say I have more hangups than they do. Courtney and Adam always tell me I can spend the night, and I hardly ever do because it feels odd to me, like I'm intruding on their space or time, although Adam has explained to me a number of times that this is not so.

They are the only people I know who I would say had "secular spirituality," even though I feel that phrase is retarded. They just have a remarkable freedom of being that I couldn't explain otherwise. They live a truth that a lot of people lose when focused on icons and dogma, by which I mean an open, intense agape love for the people around them. That's a core value in any faith, but how often do we see it, or even experience it in ourselves for others? But my friends make it easy for me.

I'm reading more and more about Christianity and Judaism, but I don't see information anymore, all I see is bias. It shines through any so-called refutation, and these barely veiled emotional stances making reading -anything- tough. Even the big-name stuff tastes funny. CS Lewis' "Mere Christianity" had me asking "THIS is the first word in modern apologetics?!" I don't want anyone's take on something, I want pure information, I want I want historical, linguistic, psychological, anthropological, sociological, and archaeological analysis, EVEN IF some of those things don't neatly apply. I AM asking "why" on a number of accounts, but the answers, I believe, lie heavily in many more areas of "what", so don't give me more of that "why" crap.

Today, I played an annual game of Cthulhu. It took place in 1928, in fictional Arkham, Massachusetts. Our group was approached by a professor at Miskatonic University to rescue a team who had gone to investigate a mansion, and were two weeks late. I played a cop, but we also had an archaeologist, a professor of Occult Studies, a private investigator, a reporter, and a Catholic priest. Some of us had "dark pasts," and mine was as a Sicilian criminal who was wanted all over Europe, but had found a niche as a cop in this small, out of the way New England town. We got up to this mansion, and the building, despite not being on the city's records, looked maintained. We hopped out of the truck and tried the doors, but they were locked, so we busted in with our crow bars. There was a monstrous, chimeric statue in the foyer, which later disappeared, and various side rooms. In the library, we found an English translation of the Necronomicon, a book of dark spells in Latin, which the priest, in reading, dropped and splashed holy water all over, and some book in Egyptian. We found a false book which acted as a switch, but we're still not sure what it did. After hearing some creaking overhead, I raced upstairs, shotgun in hand, pounding on a locked door and yelling that the police were here, and to open up. I saw a light through the keyhole, but there was no response. I kicked the door down, but I didn't see anyone, and was advised against wandering off. Going back downstairs, I watched our flank as they wandered through more rooms. On another set of stairs, I saw someone peek out, so I rushed over with a gun! When I saw a man on the stairs pointing a gun at me, I shot him twice, and Aaron, the gamemaster, said I got him in such a way that he would bleed out. But then he started saying words in a strange language, and all the lights started dying out, so I shot him in the head. Everyone had a problem with this, because saying that the dude was casting a spell wouldn't hold up in a court of law, but I didn't care, because I saved us some hassle. I then appropriated his wallet, because I was the cop, and who was going to arrest me? I got fifty bucks for my trouble. Continuing on, we ended up in a room with a piano and a comfy chair. The private investigator sat in it and began hearing the piano playing, then saw a woman playing it. I decided to plunk a few keys, but the PI started freaking out and grabbed his gun, saying that "she" was going to get us. The priest then sanctified the grounds, but I don't know whether or not it did anything, because we didn't test that room again. At one point, our archaeologist stared at a mirror that told the "future," that someone in the group was gonna kill her, but it never came true. After that, we went the side doors, and went to check our car, since we were starting to get freaked out, and they didn't like that I killed a guy. But our tires were slashed, and the transmission had been torn out and left on a seat for us. That was when we discovered the chimera statue missing. We -really- wanted to leave at that point, but it was starting to storm, and most of us were armed, so we decided to keep searching the house. At that point, I had seen movement upstairs, so that's where we headed. As it turned out, it was the guy I had shot in the head. He had reanimated. We rekilled him and tossed his body in the fire. We then found another haunted mirror, but we smashed it without viewing it (it was facing away from us at the time). We tried the next door, but whatever was on the other side turned the handle the other way, so I ran up to it, yelled that the police were, got no answer, and fired through the door with my shotgun. Upon inspection, it seems that I had killed another officer. Also in the room was a weaselly science guy, who claimed to have been from the first group and survived along with the cop for a couple of weeks... until I killed the cop. Since I had breached the door, it wasn't a good place to hide anymore, so we made him show us the way to the subbasement, where he claimed "they" went, where "they" chanted all night. We'd heard some of it when we were outside, but it stopped when I went over to the well (which was the apparent source) and yelled down, asking if they were the motherfuckers that trashed my car. Down, down the spiral staircase, below the well, and into a spiraling chamber filled with twelve cultists and their leader-- the asshole who asked us to come here in the first place! Again, I announced that the police were here, and that these chanting cultists needed to cease. They did not, so I started shooting them. At the bottom of the chamber was a pit of bubbling water, which was black and boiling. The rest of the gang started pitching in and killing cultists, but our noble reporter was tossed into the pit by the cult leader, and disappeared under the water when a giant tentacle grabbed her. After dispatching the leader and half the cult, the last six gave themselves up. At gunpoint, I made them line up and take their silly cloaks off, revealing regular (clothed) townsfolk-- all amassed in a secret sect trying to "awaken" the "great ones". They needed two sacrifices, but we saved them-- the reporter was the only live body to be lost to the monster. The cultists were armed, and one of them actually got a round off which struck me pretty badly, but then I killed him. Then, one by one, I executed each cultist that I felt didn't tell me enough about what they were doing until we were down to one, at which point the private investigator tackled me to prevent one last death. Our Occult Studies prof, who felt that his was the only true religion (he practiced voodoo), felt that it made sense to kill the last one, since the cultist went on about how they only "need one more, one new convert" to continue their goings-on, and so took his knife and killed the last cultist. All that remained of the sect was the books, and we were stealing those anyway. We spent the night in a secure room (one the statue wouldn't fit into, if it were indeed animate and dangerous) and trekked unmolested back to town the next day.

There are two basic rules to any Cthulhu game, one of which I learned today:

1 Don't read anything, it'll make you crazy, and
2 Ruthlessly dispose of everyone

I almost killed the rest of the group, thinking that one of them would be the "one convert," but I didn't. Instead, I told them that we didn't know each other, to never speak of what happened, and to never come back again. There were odd stories in subsequent days about grisly murders and a strange creature being seen swimming away in the ocean. I dunno what they meant >_>

Sean

two for two

^ZOMG CONSECUTIVE NEW POSTS.

After writing about my crappy paper, I caught up on several days of work, and it actually looks much better. Go figure.

I've been thinking a bit about politics lately. Mostly how much I hate it, but also where I stand on it all. The problem with my stances on anything is that they're always changing. When I first applied to work as an election inspector, I had to give them a party affiliation, because legally, in the state of Michigan, election inspector "boards" (those five people sitting around) have to have members representing at least two different parties. The reason for that is not corruption, as a friend of mine was quick to say, but because of voting laws. If a voter needed help marking the ballot, we have to have two people from differing parties help them, so as to avoid "voter bias." Same with ballot tabulation. A couple of people from two different parties check all the odd ballots and double check each others' work. Back then, I wrote "Libertarian," but I've seen the little sheet election chairmen get, and I'm listed as nothing. Not even "independent". My box was blank. Do I have to pay a party money to be officially recognized??

I used to think I was Libertarian, and that it was full of good ideas. I still kind of think they're good ideas, but only in an ideal situation. This US history class I took back in May showed me the real strength of a decentralized government. Care for a non-binding resolution, sir? The biggest thing I realized in that class wasn't about politics, though, it was that old adage about history repeating itself being true. The "largest, most advanced military force in the world being unable to truly defeat a guerrilla force" thing has happened far more often than I ever knew. But the topic of States Rights and decentralized government has happened twice to our own country, and failed both times. Yeah yeah, Civil War, blah blah. But I found out that America was FOUNDED on States' Rights! And also that it was really shitty, so they ditched the Articles of Confederation in favor of the Constitution, which set up a stronger, federal government. The states themselves were insular and uncooperative, which isn't to say they aren't anymore, but the federal government has the power to manage them now. The way I'm painting it sounds like I'm defining Libertarianism very narrowly, just speaking about "less central government," but there are deeper statements rooted in the philosophy that I cannot agree with, mainly the idea that individual people know what's best for them. I'd love to say it was true, but I've met people, and I know it's hopelessly wrong. Same with anarcho-communism. People, on a large scale, are just not good enough to do what they need to do.

So I wasn't anti-government, and I wasn't conservative, and I wasn't even as moderate as I thought. Hey, why not go and read about socialism? At the very least, I'd actually know what I was talking about, unlike the people who call Obama a communist. Seriously, if those people had thought to ask the socialists or the communists about Obama's actions, they would be in for some disappointment. Anyway. I stumbled across this idea that blew my mind-- "dictatorship of the proletariat based on democratic principles." Woah, dude. Woah. It's this bit of socialist philosophy from a guy called Leon Trotsky, whose particular "communist" stylings were quite the opposite of Stalin's. I also found out communism, as Marx wrote, is an endgame situation devoid of a government, so I guess any so-called communist regimes really aren't communists at all. Socialism is sort of the interim between capitalist society and communism, a government paving the way for a stateless society. Personally, I think a world without money and possession would be great, but again, the idea "works" because it's untested and hypothetical. I don't really feel that I'm a Socialist either, because supporting the midway point seems fruitless, although the membership card would be a great conversation piece.

I've been asked "Why do you need labels?" and the answer is "BECAUSE I LIKE THEM." They make things simple. But in recent months, I've been watching myself grab at every idea like I was the first person to think it, and trying to fit into some role. I have an intense need for symbols and ritual and ideas, and I keep falling into new ones saying "This, this is it! I know everything I need to know because of THIS!" It's hard not to do, but I am aware of it, even if it is a bit after the fact.

I've done this with the rantings about tattoos, too. I had three new tattoo ideas today which were way better than head tattoos... But each was better than the one before it. Because of this, I'm not getting any tattoos now. I can't keep one idea I like for even a month, so all bets are off. Gonna have to remind myself not to get caught in a hasty mood...

Busy day tomorrow, rawr.

Sean

nom

I haven't been writing here lately because of the imagined priority of my Logic paper, but I'm really not getting anywhere with it. It's gonna be shit, so I'm just gonna hack out the word requirement, throw sources where needed, and hope for a mid-level grade on it. There's something about Logic that I'm not getting, and I don't know what it is.

The way I dream bothers me because of how intense my emotions get during REM sleep. The warmest, fullest, most content happiness I've ever felt was in a dream, as well as the deepest sorrow I've ever felt. I woke up one morning recently for two reasons-- it was very hard to breathe (I've been having a lot of problems with asthma) and because of the phenomenal sadness of this dream. I had made it most of the way to the basement before a few giant sobs made their way out, but it was funny. I was occupied with my breathing and trying to get to the bathroom, barely awake, and my body was still dealing with an emotional situation that didn't even exist. Whereas part of me said "That's the saddest fucking thing in the entire world," the "rest of me" was getting annoyed! I had priorities, after all. I like telling that story because I find it really odd and somewhat amusing.

Dead possum #3 is the garbage. It's #3 because that's how many dead possums have shown up in our yard in the past year or so. Nova isn't bothering with them post mortem, so I don't think it's his doing. They stink.

Poor Nova. He's really running out of steam, although today he looked more like himself than he has for a while. I think he hurt himself, but the vet thinks he's got arthritis, so he's got painkillers. We're feeding him glucosamine with the hopes that it'll make him a little more mobile. He's not IMmobile, but he is very limpy, and after a hectic day (no one has a fucking brain around here, Dozer is still allowed to beat the shit out of Nova) he can barely get up. Not to mention his heartworm situation... Poor doggy.

Japanese was going better til this quiz today. I did quite poorly. I feel I did about the same on the first quiz. However, they are 25 points, while our tests are worth 100. On my first full-on test? 94. I know what I need to work on, so I should do well again.

St Andrews is crazy, I guess. From what I understand, at some point in the last three years, the diocese has had an exorcism performed there. We're also doing tons of stuff out of turn as a congregation in the Episcopal church, which is really pissing off the higher ups we're asking help from. I dunno. Things are odd. People are still missing important points.

I'm really fat right now. I'm probably going to join the gym my brother goes to. Everyone keeps harping on me because of Coke, but that's not THE thing that makes me fat. I would say THE thing is that I live at home and don't have control over what food comes in without spending my own money, which currently consists of fifteen dollars. Another important part is sedentary lifestyle, but I'd still place that just under "eating wrong". Luckily, exercise is something I CAN do, AND has shown significant results when I really start kicking ass. My weight is really quite variable, it just depends on which direction I'm "pushing" it. Strength training, I can do no problem, but cardio, more vital to direct weight loss, is something I lack access to. I tried running, I fucked up my feet in the process. I tried the treadmill we have, but it's old and shitty and can't maintain one constant speed. The pace of circuit training cannot compare to real, focused cardiovascular exercise. I'm going to join this gym for access to their elliptical machines. Ken uses them for the same reason I'm going to-- "My joints get tired faster than I do." He's doing what I should have been, and he's in good shape because of it, although he still probably eats less than me (but that may change as soon as he's out of school). I'll say it right now, though. I've weighed less than him before. At one point, he weighed 10 pounds more, and still looked thinner, and I do hate him for it.

Realistically, I know I'll be maintaining an overweight body. But "overweight" at 6' is 184+. Right now, I'm aiming at not being "obese" on the BMI. And I can do that through exercise and less Coke. I did it before without meaning to (Eastern's band camp), and I think I'll be below high school weight with a focused effort.

zomg tired

Sean

Update: I just joined Planet Fitness, and am going to rock their elliptical machines.

cheating strategy

Things aren't great. I hate my classes, and I'm generally irritable and stressed lately. And tired. I forgot when it happened, but I thought about it, and I've been sleeping between 6-7 hours lately, and I'm more of a 10-hour guy. I think it's because I stay out with my friends, and I tell myself that's absolutely okay, because school or work shouldn't stomp out my social life, but then I get tired and grumpy. Still, my friends mean more to me than three extra hours of sleep.

This will be the only Japanese course I take at OCC, because this teacher is the only one who teaches it, and she's got a bitchy attitude. I will not put up with this shit for three more semesters. The first issue was when I missed a class, and she asked if I e-mailed her, and was being a bitch about semantics. The second was when she called on me to translate a sentence in Japanese. I knew I had been called on, and when I did, I went to read the sentence. Proper course of action, no? But she KEPT calling on me. First, it was "the gentleman sitting against the wall", then, "with the gray shirt", then, "with the long hair," then, "sitting alone with no one around him" (it was really only in front and back-- I WAS sitting NEXT to someone) and things like that. Each of those new comments would distract me from reading, so it was about a minute of that shit before I got to do what she asked me to. Fuck that class. I have the books, which we'll be using up until the LAST of FOUR COURSES, and Dr Mark Kane, who WON'T act like such an asshole, and WON'T take TWO FUCKING HOURS to teach a couple of things!!

Logic is still interesting, and there's really only one problem with it, and it's this chick who's kinda slow who always manages to stray into me and Richy's group, scraping for answers rather than contributing. She has an annoying voice and doesn't think, yet expects us to work for her. We don't. Last session she started wandering to other groups, so that's a positive sign.

Oh, I got a paper topic approved! "Transhumanism," which I've tentatively defined as "the artificial evolution of humanity by humanity." The issue (which in Logic terms, is a specific question about a general topic, something quite different from the Sean-Gripe definition) I've "found" is whether or not it will be realized, and the position I took was "yes." Basically, we're not just gonna replace, but enhance our bodies through medicine and technology. It sounds like we do that now, but I'm talking in the EXTREME, and not just pace makers and false limbs.

PoliSci would be loads of fun if the prof weren't so adversarial in his tone and the students weren't so dumb. They don't understand that despite the way it sounds, he's not trying to argue with or shit on anyone. He's trying to lecture. But there are at least two women who are dead set on "beating him" in an "argument." Ugh.

I'm not just irritable and grumpy, though, I've wandered into "intolerable" now. I'm finding it increasingly harder to deal with boredom. Grandma and I went to see the DSO perform some Samuel Barber stuff, and most of it was fun, but one of the longer pieces, Barber's Piano Concerto or something, was SO BORING. It was technically brilliant, but aesthetically anesthetic. Luckily they ended with Don Quixote, which was beautiful, if long (forty-minutes-for-one-song long). And yesterday, Dad was at Grandma's, and it was the usual goofiness until the Michaeliks showed up. Out of a sense of politeness, Ken, Derek, and I just shut up and sat around while the Grown-Ups talked. The Michaeliks were nice guys, but for most of the two hours we were there, we weren't hanging out with Dad and Grandma, we were watching them hang out with the Michaeliks. I'll admit I used dinner as an excuse, and I'm really sorry that I did, but I couldn't take it. I also wanted coke, and that gnawed at me for a while there too.

But I've become intolerable of minute pieces of boredom. And it's another one of those things I throw into the mix when I ask "How do regular people do this when I can't?!" Among that, there's "16 credit hour semesters," "40+ work hours a week AND having a life," "Work AND school AND life" "Put up with X amount of shit for X amount of time," (that one is best illustrated with Jonathan's job at Lowe's, where he's been working for a year and a half since he graduated college, and always talks about how he hates it, although it extends to much more than just occupation), but there are more, which either escape me at the moment or I haven't managed to make into a thought that would be coherent to someone else. How am I so intolerant of insignificant boredom when everyone else is fine?

I'm probably just stressed. I don't really unwind, either, I just screw around/procrastinate. But there are some things keeping it together for me, and one of them is time with friends. There's a real reason I refuse to give up social time, and it's because it helps to have people around. There's something my brother wrote once, about how he had previously believed he shouldn't be so close to his friends because they'd all leave, but it's something I completely reject. The only way my friends are getting away from me is kicking and screaming, and even then, most won't make it. Trust me on that one.

One gleaming light at the end of the tunnel is Eastern. I cannot WAIT to get back to Ypsi. Jon and I are gonna get an apartment together, and it's going to be the most awesome apartment arrangement ever. I liked living with Adam, but he was always working or with Courtney, so I never really SAW him. Jon has said he won't be working, and as of this writing he's single, so maybe I'll actually be living with a friend this time around. I don't blame Adam, though, he had to do so much just to stay afloat, it was nuts. I just need to get through this small-time bullshit and get out there.

I may take -one- more Japanese class at OCC, and it'll be out of convenience. I'll have all my Humanities credits out of the way if I do, and when I transfer to Eastern, if I don't test high enough on my own studies, I'll at least qualify to get into the Intermediate courses there. What I mean is, if I was good enough after studying under Mark Kane, I could take an aptitude test and sail past a course or two, although that's an ideal situation. I can work at it, though.

Sean